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            Quotes of the day
Click on the topic to read   Quotes of the Day.
  Quotes of the Day.
"A retirement community in Arizona had to hold an emergency meeting because recently over 2 dozen senior citizens were caught having sex in public areas. Apparently, the seniors drank too much and started partying like it was 1899."
    - Conan O'Brien
"I grew up in the suburbs in a neighborhood that was not very tough at all. Even our school bully was only passively aggressive. He wouldn't take your lunch, he'd just say, 'You're gonna eat all that?'"
    - Brian Kiley
Sign in an office building washroom:
 "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."
"Superior people never make long visits."
--Marianne Moore
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind."
--William James
"The only way to enjoy anything in this life is to earn it first."
--Ginger Rogers
Make up your own list of maxims that speak to you, such as:
"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."
--Edgar Watson Howe
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one."
--Elbert Hubbard
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
--John F. Kennedy
"People who are always making allowances for themselves soon go bankrupt."
--Mary Pettibone Poole
"I must govern the clock, not be governed by it."
--Golda Meir
"Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so."
--John Stuart Mill
Never make the mistake of thinking you know everything about anything:
"Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one."
"The important thing is not to stop questioning."
--Albert Einstein
"If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things."
--Rene Descartes
"The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid."
--Lady Bird Johnson
"When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself."
--Louis Nizer
"To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward."
--Margaret Fairless Barber
Next time your tempted to be hard on yourself, consider this:
"I have offended God and mankind because my work didn't reach the quality it should have."
--Leonardo da Vinci
"There will be no proof that I ever was a writer."
--Franz Kafka
"My life has been nothing but a failure."
--Claude Monet
"When you have nothing to say, say nothing." -
-Charles Colton
"Trust in Allah, but tie your camel."
--Arabian proverb
"He is a real pessimist - he could look at a doughnut and see only the hole in it."
Go off by yourself occasionally:
"Solitude is my element, and the reason is that extreme awareness of other people... precludes awareness of one's self so that after a while the self no longer knows that it exists."
--May Sarton
"For solitude is sometimes best society, / And short retirement urges sweet return."
--John Milton
"Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone..."
--Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"Man must choose whether to be rich in things or in the freedom to use them."
--Ivan Illich
"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."
--Carol Burnett
"Striving to be better, oft we mar what's well."
--William Shakespeare ("King Lear")
"For all sad words of tongue or pen, / The saddest are these: `It might have been.'"
--John Greenleaf Whittier
"The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again I'd make all the same mistakes - only sooner."
--Tallulah Bankhead
"My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else."
--Woody Allen
"Think twice before you speak - and you'll find everyone talking about something else."
--Francis Rodman
"When one must, one can."
--Yiddish Proverb
"Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in."
--Katherine Mansfield
Don't give in to cynicism:
"You gotta believe!"
--Tug McGraw
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
--H. L. Mencken
"We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion, just as effectively as by bombs."
--Kenneth Clark
"No one grows old by living, only by losing interest in living."
--Marie Beynon Ray
"There is just one life for each of us: our own."
"The superior man makes the difficulty to be overcome his first interest; success comes only later."
"A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes, but to get into accord with them, for they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world."
--Sigmund Freud
"The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable."
--Paul Tillich
"There's a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside."
--Pearl Bailey
Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
    ---Don Herold
"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your  grandfather was."
--Irish Proverb
"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them."
-- Brendan Francis
"What do you want most to do?  That's what I have to keep  asking myself, in the face of difficulties."
--Katherine Mansfield
"If you don't control your mind, someone else will."
--John Allston
"Don't rent space to anyone in your head."
"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education."
--Wilson Mizner
"Ideas won't keep; something must be done about them."
-- Alfred North Whitehead
"Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."
-- Swedish proverb
"Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine."
-- Robert C. Gallagher
Whatever you do in life, don't get stuck:
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."
-- Mary Engelbreit
"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."
-- George Bernard Shaw
"You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted."  
-- Ruth E. Renkl
"Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you."
--Frank Tyger
"What we think, we become."
"Choosing a goal and sticking to it changes everything."
--Scott Reed
"Success is important only to the extent that it puts one in  a position to do more things one likes to do."
--Sara Caldwell
"Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become  a man of value."
--Albert Einstein
"To me success means effectiveness in the world, that I am  able to carry my ideas and values into the world - that I am  ale to change it in positive ways."
--Maxine Hong Kingston
"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"In the face of uncertainty, there is nothing wrong with hope."
-- O. Carl Simonton
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."
-- Tuli Kupferberg
To be successful in life, learn the art of prioritizing:
"One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach."
--Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win."
--Jonathan Kozol
"First things first, second things never."
--Shirley Conran
"Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these."
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
--Bill Cosby
"A mistake is evidence that someone tried to do something."
"No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness -- or so good as drink."
--G. K. Chesterton
"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim."
--Ann Landers
"The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after."
--Tallulah Bankhead
"One must lose one's life in order to find it."
--Anne Murrow Lindbergh
"Enthusiasm is nothing more or less than faith in action."
--Henry Chester
"They can because they think they can."
Life is tough enough without manufacturing things to worry about:
"Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable."
--Theodore N. Vail
"If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so anxious."
--Mignon McLaughlin
"Needless fear and panic over disease and misfortune that seldom materialize are simply bad habits. By proper ventilation and illumination of the mind it is possible to cultivate tolerance, poise and real courage."
--Elie Metchnikoff
"Life is just a series of trying to make up your mind."
--Timothy Fuller
"Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life."
--Muriel Spark
"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is."
--Margaret Mitchell
"You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, you don't branch out, you don't try - you don't take the risk."
--Rosalynn Carter
"One never knows what each day is going to bring.  The important thing is to be open and ready for it."
--Henry Moore
"You cannot plan the future by the past."
--Edmund Burke
Word of the Day:
Bilabial (adj) -- describing the consonant sounds made with two lips close together or touching.
Try to find a workable balance between thought and feeling:
"All great discoveries are made by men whose feelings run ahead of their thinking."
--C. H. Parkhurst
"The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime."
--Mignon McLaughlin
"Emotion has taught mankind to reason."
--Marquis de Vauvenargues
"Doubt indulged soon becomes doubt realized."
--Francis R. Havergal
"Don't let other people tell you what you want."
--Pat Riley
"We are what we believe we are."
--Benjamin N. Cardozo
Sometimes acceptance is just as important as striving and struggle:
"Acceptance of what happened is the first step to overcoming  the consequence of any misfortune."
--William James
"Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out."
"What we call reality is an agreement that people have arrived at to make life more livable."
--Louise Nevelson
"All effort is in the last analysis sustained by the faith that it is worth making."
--Ordway Tead
"A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience."
--Elbert Hubbard
"The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work."
--Richard Bach
To maximize your chance to be happy, keep busy:
"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
--George Bernard Shaw
"Happiness walks on busy feet."
--Kitte Turmell
"To attain happiness in another world we need only to believe
something; to secure it in this world, we must do something."
--Charlotte Perkins Gilman

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"
    - Dave Barry
"Doctors in Singapore have delivered the first baby using both a frozen egg and frozen sperm. Mother and baby are doing fine.  In fact, they're both at home chillin'."
    - Jay Leno
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."
    - Rodney Dangerfield
"Patience and fortitude conquer all things."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.  The fearful are caught as often as the bold."
--Helen Keller
"If you think you can, you can.  And if you think you can't, you're right."
--Mary Kay Ash
If you decide to go for it, do it with spirit: "Sometimes success is due less to ability than to zeal."
--Charles Buxton
"The world belongs to the energetic."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A man can succeed at almost anything for which he has unlimited enthusiasm."
--Charles M. Schwab
"Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things."
--Denis Diderot
"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself."
--Ethel Barrymore
"You win the victory when you yield to friends."
Budget your time:
"Time is a fixed income and, as with any income, the real problem facing most of us is how to live successfully within our daily allotment."
--Margaret B. Johnstone
"What we love to do we find time to do."
--John L. Spalding
"There is time for everything."
--Thomas A. Edison
"The man who has no inner life is the slave of his surroundings."
--Henri Frederic Amiel
"Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you."
--Joey Adams
"The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials."
--Lin Yutang
Marriage is a work in progress, so keep working at it:
"The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes."
--Amy Grant
"We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage
requires a lot of compromise."
--Raquel Welch
"A sound marriage is not based on complete frankness; it is based on a sensible reticence."
--Morris L. Ernst
"Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate  embraces; marriage is also three meals a day, sharing the workload and remembering to carry out the trash."
--Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Sweat plus sacrifice equals success."
--Charles O. Finley
"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to  yourself the most comforting words of all: This, too, shall pass."
--Ann Lander.
Worrying is a waste of your time: "Happy the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind,  and has given up worrying, once and for all."
"What worries you, masters you."
--Haddon W. Robinson
"Don't hurry, don't worry.  You're only here for a short  visit.  So be sure and stop to smell the flowers."
--Walter Hagen
"I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!"
    - Rodney Dangerfield
"Imagine my relief when I found out that the saying isn't 'Abstinence made the heart grow fonder.'"
    - Dave Henry
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
    ~ Les Dawson
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
    - Rita Rudner
"They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. 'I don't know; he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise.'"
    - Wanda Sykes-Hall
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
    - Rodney Dangerfield.
"As a CIA employee, whenever I hear that the Agency is programming people's minds, I have to laugh. I don't *want* to laugh when I hear this, but I have to because that's the way they programmed my mind."
"A horse may be forced to drink, but a pencil must be lead."
    - Stan Laurel
"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect."
--Margaret Mitchell
"There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what  you want; and after that, to enjoy it.  Only the wisest of  mankind achieve the second"
--Logan Pearsall Smith
"Faith is the only known cure for fear."
--Lena K. Sadler
"The proverb warns that, 'You should not bite the hand that  feeds you.'  But maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself."
--Thomas Szasz
"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be self- sufficient."
--Michel de Montaigne
"Lord of himself, though not of lands, / And having nothing,  yet hath all."
--Henry Wotton
"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."
"Opportunities multiply as they are seized; they die when  neglected. Life is a long line of opportunities."
--John Wicker
"Every new adjustment is a crisis in self-esteem."
--Eric Hoffer
"When something bad happens to me, I think I'm able to deal  with it in a pretty good way.  That makes me lucky.  Some   people fall apart at the first little thing that happens."
--Christie Brinkley
"The prizes go to those who meet emergencies successfully.   And the way to meet emergencies is to do each daily task the best we can."
--William Feather
"All that is necessary is to accept the unacceptable, do  without the indispensable, and bear the unbearable."
--Kathleen Norris
"Over the decades, Cosmopolitan has printed literally thousands of sure-fire techniques for driving men insane with passion. If these techniques actually worked, by now the entire male population of the United States would have been wiped out by lust, literally exploding into little mushroom clouds of vaporized bodily fluids."
    - Dave Barry
"A federal appeals court has ruled that police in London, CT did not discriminate when they turned down a candidate who scored too high on the IQ test to become a police officer. They said they didn’t want cops who were too smart because they would get bored of the job and quit.  So, the way it works there is if you fail the IQ test you can be a cop, if you pass the IQ test you can’t be a cop, and if they catch you cheating on the IQ test, then they make you a lawyer."
    - Jay Leno
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's, only one begins with an
    - Dennis Miller
"If you could choose one characteristic that would get you  through life, choose a sense of humor."
--Jennifer Jones
"The man who fears nothing is as powerful as he who is feared  by everybody."
--J. C. F. von Schiller
"Success is often achieved by those who don't know that  failure is inevitable."
--Coco Chanel
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
    - Erma Bombeck
"When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse."
    - Steven Wright
"Whenever I find myself in a difficult situation, I just think, 'What would Donkey Kong do?' So far, it works fine,
as long as I'm standing next to a pile of barrels on top of a weird ladder-structure."
    - Todd Loushine
(From "The Simpsons")
Homer: "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
"Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?"
    - Seinfeld
"All those women who say they scoff at cheesy, sentimental pick-up lines are obviously hanging around the wrong men. For me, a simple 'If you ever want to see your Mommy alive again...' works every time."
    - Don Swain
"Of all the lessons in life that I've learned the hard way, the ones involving frontal nudity and hot bacon grease seem to be the most enduring."
    - Randy B
"On TV, the commercial says that 8 out of 10 people suffer from hemorrhoids.  Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?"
"According to a recent study, the most popular fitness sport among Americans is bowling.  Is this really a 'fitness'sport? Any sport where you can drink beer and eat pizza while you're doing the sport is not a sport."
    - Jay Leno
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
    -- Jim Carrey
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
    - Roseanne
"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use
out of the ones we already have."
    - Jack Handey
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
    - Woody Allen
"They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I think that a laughing gas factory would be pretty tough
    - Greg Pettit
"According to a new study, Southerners are much more likely to have sex on their wedding night than other people. That makes sense ­ you're always going to be more comfortable with a relative."
    - Jay Leno
"It took us many years to get to this lofty level of evolution. That leisurely pace of change was okay because there wasn't much to do except sit around and hope you didn't get eaten by wild pigs. Then somebody fell on a sharp stick and the spear was invented."
    - Scott Adams, "Theory of Evolution (Summary)"
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."
    - Jack Handey
"My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray *after* we eat."
    - Rodney Dangerfielg
"When your life is filled with the desire to see the holiness in everyday life, something magical happens: ordinary life becomes extraordinary, and the very process of life begins to  nourish your soul!"
--Rabbi Harold Kushner
"He who laughs, lasts."
--Mary Pettibone Poole
"Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and to  think what nobody else has thought."
--Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"No matter how old you get, if you can keep the desire to be  creative, you're keeping the man-child alive."
--John Cassavetes
"Man, surrounded by facts, permitting himself no surprise, no  intuitive flash, no great hypothesis, no risk, is in a locked  cell."
--Lillian Smith
"Discipline and focused awareness . . . contribute to the act  of creation."
--John Poppy
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
    - Ellen DeGeneres
"I hate when people honk at me. Unless I'm taking a left turn - then I like it, because that's how I know it's time to turn."
    - Rita Rudner
"I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said ... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
    - Rodney Dangerfield
"Growing up, my Mom always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window. If she *really* felt bad, though, she'd have moved the bird feeder outside."
    - Rich Johnson
"It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk or running for office."
--Shirley McLaine
"Consistency is only a paste jewel that cheap men cherish."
--William Allen White
"Was it always my nature to take a bad time and block out the good times, until any success became an accident and failure seemed the only truth?"
--Lillian Hellman
Count your friends among your most valuable assets:
"True friendship is like sound health, the value is seldom known until it be lost."
--Charles Caleb Colton
"A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through."
--Laurence J. Peter
"There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."
--Proverbs 18:24
Return to:  Quotes of the day
  Handy Latin Phrases
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?
Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.
Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
Llanfair-pwll-gwyngyll-gogerych wyrndrobwll-llantysilio-gogogoch
This is a very small place in Wales.
The name means
"St. Mary's Church in a hollow - white hazels - near to the rapid whirlpool - St. Tysil's Church - red cave."

Contributed by Frank Waterfield, of Frank's Place Web.
Moose Jaw, in the Province of Saskatchewan in Canada
Cut -N- Shoot, Texas (north of Houston).
French Lick, Indiana
Toast, North Carolina
Lizard Lick, North Carolina
Thanksgiving, North Carolina
Conetoe, North Carolina
Frog Suck, Wyoming
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Gays, Illinois
Fort Gay, Wyoming
Sappho's Leap, Levkas Greece
Big Hole, Montana
BASTARDO in Umbria Italy
Tolu, Kentucky
Skull Bone, Tennessee
Soddy Daisey, Tennessee
Grinders Switch, Tennessee
34 Corner, Missouri
Cave-In-Rock, Illinois
Possum Trot, Kentucky
Monkey's Eyebrow, KY
Whynot, NC
Hell, Michigan (In the Lower Peninsula, naturally).
Paradise, Michigan (In the upper peninsula, naturally)
Head Basged In, Saskatchewan
Buffalo Jump, Saskatchewan
Dry Fork, Virginia
Dime Box, Texas
Old Dime Box, Texas
Possum Kingdom, Texas
Earth, Texas
Cut and Shoot , Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas
Bigfoot , Texas
Wink , Texas
Happy , Texas
Troup , Texas
Pleak , Texas
Sweetwater , Texas
Agua Dulce , Texas
Sour Lake , Texas
Notrees , Texas
Pine Forest , Texas
Levelland , Texas
Mountain Home , Texas
Taco , Texas
Booger Holler, Arkansas
Toad Suck, Arkansas
Jigger, Louisiana
Devil's Elbow, MO
Uncertain, TX
Hot Coffee, MS.
Chicken, Alaska
Eek, Alaska
Unalaska, Alaska
Deadhorse, Alaska
Tightwad, MO
Blueballs, Pa ... Climax, Pa.
Dildo, Newfoundland
Conception Bay, Newfoundland
Malignant Cove, Nova Scotia
Scoudouc, New Brunswick
Bucksnort, Tennessee?
Jal, NM (Sometimes sounds like Jail) "I just got out of Jal"
Weed, NM (no kidding, look it up)
Nogal, NM
>Tucumcari, NM
Truth or Consequences, NM (named after the game show)
Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump  Alberta
 Medicine Hat, Alberta
Return to:  Quotes of the day
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Return to:  Quotes of the day
  Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung

Return to:  Quotes of the day

  TOP TEN MARKETING GOOFS               
10. Chevrolet Nova didn't do well in Spanish speaking countries ... Nova means 'No Go' ...
9. Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name 'Pavian' to suggest French chic ... but 'Pavian' means 'baboon' in German.
8. A peanut-packed chocolate bar targeted at Japanese teenagers needing while cramming for exams ran headlong into a belief that eating peanuts and chocolate causes nosebleeds.
7. Parker Pen's translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink" ... which also means "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
6. When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food package labels.
5. Coors slogan, "Turn it Loose," translated into Spanish as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
4. Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since "Puff" is a colloquial term for whorehouse.
3. Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means "Intimidating Green Ogre."
2. When Coca-Cola first came to China, it was given a similar sounding name ... but the characters used for the name meant "Bite the Wax Tadpole."
1. Chicken magnate Frank Perdue wants us to know that "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," but the Spanish translation came out as "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Return to:  Quotes of the day
[Editor's Note:  most of these are unattributed, but all are purportedly from various politicians' campaigns, statements, etc.]
* "I resent your insinuendoes."
* "No man is an Ireland."
* "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
* "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
* "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
* "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
* "Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
* "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation."-- Marion Berry
* "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
* "To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."
* "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
* "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
* "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
* "Let's do this in one foul swoop."
* "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
* "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
* "I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
* "The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
* "I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
* "We have a permanent plan for the time being."
* "Family planning has many misconceptions."
* "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
* "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
* "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
* "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
* "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
* "In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."

Return to:  Quotes of the day
  Nation of PUSHOVERS  
by  Andrew Holota from Surrey Leader;
Fifteen years after 329 innocent people on Air India Flight 182 were blown out of the sky by terrorists bomb, charges are being brought against those allegedly responsible.
And lo and behold, what country did the accused perpetrators use as their base for that operation and God knows what else.?.  Why, good old, kind, generous and tolerant-to-the-point-of- stupidity Canada... Where else but in Canada could one run an organization that scarcely bothered to hide its violence-soaked agenda.?..
What other country would harbour within its border internationally suspected terrorists, who were free to conspire and carry out their mission fro years virtually free of harassment or government sanction.?.   Canada, of course.!.
Did this individuals lurk about in underground hideouts and sneak in and out of the country by surreptitious means.?.  Havens no, they used airports like any other fine citizens, and worked at everyday jobs, enjoying all the benefits and freedom the country has to offer...
Talwinder Singh Parmar - founder the Babbar Khalsa group advocating Sikh separatism by violent means and directly linked to terrorist activities in India - lived for a time in the Lower Mainland.  After he was eventually killed in a shootout with police in India, he become a martyr who was openly revered by many supporters in this country...
Babbar Khalsa is still registered as a non-profit society in B.C., if you can believe it.  It's a religious organization, you see....    Former Parmar associate, Ajaib Singh Bagri, was reportedly in Surrey a few weeks ago, organizing an event in memory of Parmar.  Along with bombing charges, he's also now accused of the 1988 attempted murder of Surrey newspaper publisher,  Tara Sing Hayer...
The point is this:  Individuals of this ilk came to Canada because they were allowed to be here..  And they remained in Canada, despite authorities becoming aware or at least deeply suspicious of their association and activities and political sentiments...
If this country had an immigration system that made any sense, people like this would have been unceremoniously pitched out long ago...  No handwringing about "rights" and irrefutable proof.  No batteries of taxpayers-supported lawyers using every legal trick in the book to drag out the process for years...   No $50-million police investigation to lay charges hat may not result in conviction.  Just a one-way ticket back to the country of origin, along with a clear message: "It doesn't matter if you're black, brown, white, East Indian, Tamil, British, Muslim, Sikh, Christian or otherwise...  Take your causes and your hatred and fanaticism, and leave (please)..
But not here.  Not in Canada..   Our legislators and courts and politicians are so damned concerned about being nice, and fair, that this country has become a doormat for those who want to carry their brand of religious and political conflict to a place where the government is so gelded, its representatives will rapidly attend fund-raising dinners staged by terrorist groups...
Why isn't the suspicion of being involved in or supporting terrorist and/or serious criminal activities good enough to have the parties involved be flatly refused immigrant status at the outset, or quickly evicted at any point after entry has been granted.?.
Because this is Canada, home of the politically correct patsies.!.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.- Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes I [Ahasuerus] (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson   (Judges 14:1-)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
Return to:  Quotes of the day

Answer all questions and rate yourself.
1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm?
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?
8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?
1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and pm.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I have 3 apples, YOU take 2, what do YOU have?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 - Genius
9 - Mensa Member
8 - Engineer
7 - Student
6 - High school pupil
5 - Primary school pupil
4 - Teacher
3 - College lecturer
2 - University lecturer
1 - Member of parliament
0 - Blonde
Return to:  Quotes of the day
1. If it doesn't run off the mains, batteries are never included
2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included
3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26
4. If you can wear it, it's the wrong size
5. If it fits, the colour is never right
6. Santa Claus is an incorrigible practical joker
1. When in doubt, mumble
2. When in trouble, delegate
3. When in charge, ponder
An object will always fall so that it causes maximum damage, both to itself and to the thing on which it falls
1. The chance of the bread falling buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet
2. The most delicate part will be the one that drops
1. If directions to a place include the words 'you can't miss it', you will.
2. There is no such thing as a little garlic - or a mild heart attack - or a few children
3. A jar that cannot be opened by any combination of household tools, force and determination, will instantly open if picked up by the lid.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
  Just when you thought you knew everything....
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.
7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
9.The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
10.To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.
11.The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Return to:  Quotes of the day
1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
3. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
4. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
5. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
6. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I've tried it, it doesn't work)
7. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
8. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
9. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
10. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
11. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
12. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Return to:  Quotes of the day

By Ezra B. Riner
1. Look at all the pretty lights on the buildings! Millions of colors! Don't waste your time looking at traffic lights; they only come in 3 colors.
2. Also, don't waste your time looking at the road. There's much more interesting things elsewhere. It's everyone else's job to look out for you.
3. Whatever you do, don't tap that accelerator. Keeping traffic slow is your gift to your hosts.
4. It is imperative that you turn onto the road as soon as possible regardless of who you have to cut off to do so. However, once on the road, there is no real hurry. Take your time. That guy you cut off will be happy to slow down.
5. The "fast lane." Ever wonder why it's called that? Me either.
6. If you drive a Winnebago, be sure to only drive on single lane highways with extensive no passing zones. If people can pass you and keep traffic flowing, it defeats the whole purpose of driving a Winnebago!
7. Whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors! Traffic might be piling up behind you and you wouldn't want that onyour conscience!
8. Be sure to always slow down to a near stop to look at the twisted vehicles and bloody puddles of the innocent locals who have had "encounters" with driving tourists.
9. If you are pulled over, be sure to toss cliches and lame jokes about the mob, prostitution, or the weather to the cop. He's never heard that one before. Trust me.
10. And remember, when you are lost, do not stop to find out where you are. Simply slow to 1/3 of the speed limit and weave in and out of lanes haphazardly. This always gets you  where you want to be.
11. Always be talking on a cell phone. Your techno-savvy impresses the locals and they will stare in worshipful awe as you run stop lights and narrowly miss pedestrians.
12. Stop signs don't really mean "stop." They mean "slow down just a tad and if you are feeling generous, perhaps glance to the side to make sure that guy you were supposed to yield to isn't going to hit you."
13. Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to take photos. The locals will be touched at how sentimental youare about their home.
14. Remember, you are on vacation so school speed zones don't apply to you.
15. The bumper sticker on the car you are tailgating says "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?" What a jerk! I wonder what his problem is.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
  Clinton says farewell to nation
President calls for U.S. to stay on course on economy, world affairs and civil rights
Clinton says he wishes President-elect Bush well. He says he'll leave the presidency "more idealistic" and "more full of hope" than when he took office  
WASHINGTON, Jan. 18 —  President Bill Clinton, in a farewell address Thursday night from the Oval Office, thanked the American people for the opportunity to serve them and issued several tacit challenges to his successor. Clinton said he was leaving office “more idealistic, more full of hope than the day I arrived and more confident than ever that America’s best days lie ahead.”
       CLINTON, WHOSE EIGHT years in the White House brought unprecedented economic prosperity along with a humiliating sex scandal and a bitter impeachment battle, leaves office on Saturday — turning over the White House to George W. Bush.
      Clinton offered “three thoughts” about America’s future — all of them areas in which he and Bush have sharp differences.
      First, Clinton said, the nation “must maintain our record of fiscal responsibility,” and said that wise choices will enable the nation to continue paying down its debt. Clinton and Bush have differed in this area, with Bush calling for deep tax cuts.
      Second, Clinton appealed for Americans to reject an isolationist stance and remember U.S. responsibilities as a world leader. “American cannot and must not disentangle itself from the world,” Clinton said.
      “If the wars of the 20th century ... have taught us anything, it is that we achieve our aims by defending our values and leading the forces of freedom and peace. ... America’s security and prosperity requires us to continue to lead in the world.”
      Clinton and Bush have disagreed over the use of U.S. forces abroad. While Clinton has dispatched troops aggressively to Kosovo and the Balkans, Bush has promised to be more circumspect about sending American soldiers abroad.
      The president also said Americans must work harder to overcome their differences with each other.
      “We must remember that America cannot lead in the world unless here at home we weave the threads of our coat of many colors into the fabric of one America,” Clinton said. “As we become ever more diverse, we must work harder to unite around our common values and our common humanity.”
      “In our hearts and in our laws, we must treat all our people with fairness and dignity,” Clinton said. Bush and Clinton disagree on affirmative action, hate crime legislation and other civil rights issues.
      Clinton then offered Bush his best wishes in “meeting these challenges.”      
      Clinton cited numerous accomplishments of the past eight years, including improved test scores, cleaner air and water, fewer Americans below the poverty level and 3 million children with health insurance. He said he worked to give Americans a smaller government that “always put people first” and focused on the future.
      “I am profoundly grateful to you for twice giving me the honor to serve, to work for you and with you to prepare our nation for the 21st century,” Clinton said.
      Clinton said his “days of service” to the nation were not over. He said he will never hold a higher position than president, but added, “There is no title I will wear more proudly than that of citizen.”
      Clinton has not specifically said what he plans to do after he leaves office, and his closing comments set off speculation about his future.
      NBC’s Washington bureau chief Tim Russert said Clinton “has a lot of political living left to do” and is likely to remain a powerful force in the Democratic Party.
      “This is not someone who’s going to become a recluse, someone who’s going to go off and become a former president in the noble sense of the word,” said Russert. “He’s 54 years old. Politics is in his blood and he gave every indication tonight that he is not going to step aside in any real fashion.”
      Clinton’s speech lasted about seven minutes — a very brief address, especially by Clinton’s standards. He made no mention of the Monica Lewinsky sex-and-lies scandal that roiled his presidency or the impeachment battle that followed.   
      Thursday’s speech was the latest, but not the final, goodbye from the nation’s 42nd president. A farewell ceremony is planned at the airport Saturday as he leaves Washington after Bush’s inauguration, and a welcoming rally awaits Clinton soon after at Kennedy International Airport in New York. He also will have a final radio address Saturday.   

        The imminent change of command was apparent around the White House. Clinton’s aides stripped photos from the walls and packed personal papers into boxes. Computer drives were being archived and cleared for the incoming administration. Clinton’s staff was to lose e-mail capability at the end of the day.
      The president helped packers decide what should be sent to his homes in New York and Washington and what should go to his library and apartment in Arkansas.
      Outside the White House, Pennsylvania Avenue was lined with thousands of bleachers and a gleaming white presidential reviewing stand for the inaugural parade. Bush was in residence at the Blair House, the presidential guest house.  
      As he leaves office, Americans still have mixed feelings about Clinton, according to an NBC-Wall Street Journal survey released Wednesday.  
       Fifty-six percent gave Clinton positive marks, with 16 percent saying he would turn out to be one of the very best presidents and 40 percent judging him better than most. But 24 percent said Clinton would be judged not as good as most presidents, and 18 percent said he would turn out to be “definitely worst than most.”
      On his final helicopter ride as president, Clinton enjoyed one last aerial look at Washington’s monuments as he returned from a nostalgic trip home to Arkansas on Wednesday, White House spokesman Jake Siewert said. When Clinton boards the helicopter again on Saturday, he will be president no longer. The aircraft radio designation then will be Special Air Mission instead of Marine One.
Foot note:   He was horny, but the best president US ever had...
Return to:  Quotes of the day
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die.  Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.  Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses...  they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
  Retarded grandparents
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays.  One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.  Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green, to look like grass.  They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know  who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it  fixed, because it is all right now.  They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.  There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hat on.  I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.  Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And they eat the same thing every night - Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the  ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.  When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse.
Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
Love is holding hands in the street   -   Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant   -   Marriage is a Chinese take-out
Love is cuddling on a sofa   -   Marriage is deciding on a sofa
Love is talking about having children   -   Marriage is talking about getting away from children
Love is going to bed early   -   Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is a romantic drive   -   Marriage is a tarmac drive
Love is losing your appetite   -   Marriage is losing your figure
Love is sweet nothing in the ear   -   Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank
Love is a flickering flame   -   Marriage is a flickering television
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws   -   Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"
Return to:  Quotes of the day
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kyushi: "Japan Stop Drive Sideways."
In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - no ice cream."
In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it."
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Return to:  Quotes of the day
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily,but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions     03) Climbing the walls     04) Swallowing my pride     05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing my weight around     07) Dragging my heels     08) Pushing my luck     09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head     11) Wading through paperwork     12) Bending over backwards     13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books     15) Running around in circles     16) Eating crow     17) Tooting my own horn     18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops     20) Adding fuel to the fire     21) Opening a can of worms     22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling     24) Going over the edge     25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.
Return to:  Quotes of the day
Contributed by Dianne Ako

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.  I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;  And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;  And there, once again, got quite a surprise.  The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.  He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand ... I'm not old ... I'm merely mature;  But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day,  And people speak softer ... can't hear what they say.  My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),  And my glasses identify people I meet.  Oh, I've slowed down a bit ... not a lot, I am sure.  You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.  You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.  Washing my hair has turned it all white,  But don't call it gray ... saying "blond" is just right.  My car is all paid for ... not a nickel is owed.  Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer ... get off of the road!"  My car has no scratches ... not even a dent.  Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older ... much faster than me.  They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.  I've got "character lines," not wrinkles ... for sure,  But don't call me old ... just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today  Are so high that they take ... your breath all away;  And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.  That should explain why my walking is slow.  But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,  And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.  I'm still in the running ... in this I'm secure,  I'm not really old ... I'm only mature.

~Author Unknown
Return to:  Quotes of the day

  Past of our present

(Do not look at the bottom if this until you have read it through.)  Years ago a hardworking man took his family from New York State to  Australia to take advantage of a work opportunity there.  Part of this  man's family was a handsome young son who had aspirations of joining the time until a circus job or even a job as a stagehand came along, worked at the local shipyards which bordered on the worse section of town.  Walking home from work one evening this young  man was attacked by five thugs who wanted to rob him. Instead of just giving up his money the young fellow resisted.  However they bested him easily and proceeded to beat him to a pulp.

They mashed his face with their boots, and kicked and beat his body brutally with clubs, leaving him for dead.  When the police happened  to find him lying in the road they assumed he was  dead and called for the Coroner.

On the way to the morgue a policeman heard him gasp for air, and they immediately took him to the emergency unit at the hospital.
When he was placed on a gurney a nurse remarked to her horror, that his young  man no longer had a face. Each eye socket was smashed, his skull, legs, and arms  fractured, his nose literally hanging from his face, all of his teeth
were gone, and his jaw was almost completely torn from his skull.

Although his life was spared he spent over a year in the hospital.  When he finally left his body may have healed but his face was painful to look at. He was no longer the handsome youth that everyone had admired.   When the young man started to look for work again he was turned down by everyone just on account of the way he looked.  One potential employer suggested to him that he join the freak show at the circus as  The Man Who Had No Face.

And he did this for a while.  He was still rejected by everyone and no one wanted to be seen in his company.  He had thoughts of suicide. This went on for five years.

 One day he passed a church and sought some solace there. Entering  the church he encountered a priest who had seen him sobbing while kneeling in a pew.  The priest took pity on him and took him to the rectory where they talked at length.  The priest was impressed with him to such a degree that he said that he would do everything possible for him that could be done to restore his dignity and life, if the young man would promise to be the best Catholic he could be, and trust in God's mercy to free him from his torturous life.

The young man went to Mass and communion every day, and after thanking God for saving his life, asked God to only give him peace of mind and the grace to be the best man he could ever be in His eyes.  The priest, through his personal contacts was able to secure the services of the best plastic surgeon in Australia.  They would be no  cost to the young man,  as the doctor was the priest's best friend. The doctor too was so impressed by the young man, whose outlook now on life,  even though he had experienced the worse, as filled with good humor and lve.

The surgeries were a miraculous success.  All the best dental  work was also done for him.  The young man became everything he promised God he would  be.  He was also blessed with a wonderful, beautiful wife, and many children and success in an industry which would have been  the furthest thing from his mind as a career if not for the goodness  of God and the love of the people who cared for him.  This he acknowledges publicly.

The young man is......Mel Gibson.

His life was the inspiration for his production of the movie "The Man Without A Face."  He is to be admired by all of us as a God fearing man and an example to all as a true man of God.

Return to:  Quotes of the day


1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Not eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Not believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
34. Associate with even worse business clients.
35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
36. Wait around for opportunity.
37. Focus on the faults of others.
38. Mope about my faults.
39. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Return to:  Quotes of the day

  Valentine Survival

To be quite honest I reserve most of my sympathy for those who are not romantically involved with anyone, and for those who have just recently started a new relationship. Why? Allow me to explain.

For those who are not involved with anyone this holiday can be a chocolate covered reminder of the "other side." Even those who are perfectly content to be single can get caught up in one of those Disney like moments where every couple they see seems to be followed by singing birds, and a theme song. (No, I haven't been watching too much TV.) If you're really caught up, you might feel like the only person who stayed home from the prom. My advice to the "in-betweeners" is to treat yourself. Get together with a few friends and declare your own special occasion by celebrating your future conquests. If that doesn't do the trick start dishing about past relationships and breathe a sigh of relief that you are no longer living in that Hell. Hey, it works for me!

This next group gets the award for most awkward timing. These poor souls haven't even figured out if they're going to be dating in a month let alone the whole rapture of passion thing. Unfortunately fate forces their hands. If you don't buy a little trinket or card it looks like you're saying "Uhhhh, I think our time together will be outlived by the milk in my fridge." On the other hand (and this is where they guys really sweat it out) if you get a little something does it mean you'll be picking out drapes together? No, so let's discuss some strategies.

If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, don't just ignore it. Remember when you used to hand out a valentine to everyone in your class when you were little? You know, the shoe box covered in red construction paper and lace? Even the nose-picker got a card from you so try to put this in per-spective. The best way to take the pressure off is to purchase a humorous or fun-loving little card with a cartoon on the front. Stay away from the gold foil and feather cards that look like the cover of a bad 70's compilation CD. Next you might keep it casual by going out for pizza (heart-shaped is always cute) but don't take it too far. Avoid going any place
that uses the phrase "do you want fries with that?" Most important; talk about it! If can both acknowledge how weirdyou feel, you'll be much better off.

The next group needs no help. They're in the hottest point of the relationship and chewing gum turns them on. These two can't wait for this holiday! She's going to cook something extravagant, light candles, perfume every inch of her body, and they probably won't even make it through dinner. He'll bring flowers and champagne, give her something silky or shiny, and probably find not one, but three cards that were all PERFECT! These people need nothing from me so let's move on.

Couples who have been together for a spell (married or not) are the ones grasping a straws. If your man hasn't read Martha Stewart he probably isn't going to blow torch you a homemade antique picture frame from an engine block. If your woman is working, raising children, or both she will probably not have time to sheer the sheep to knit you a cozy for your Harley. These folks need practical ideas. Women love pampering, so if it's in the budget buy her some time at a day spa for a pedicure, massage, facial, herbal wrap, or whatever you think she'd enjoy. Another cool idea is to grab your favorite picture of the two of you together. Take it to a store with a Kodak picture maker and play with it. You can crop out unwanted clutter (like ex-lovers), reduce red eye, blow it up and put it in a frame. It only takes a minute and you can add a border or a cheesy caption if you please. These photo machines are really great, and often overlooked.

If you noticed I avoided all of the regular stuff. Chocolate,flowers, champagne, and lace are all wonderful. I love gettingit and it never loses its appeal, but the idea is to make it unique so try something in addition to the classics. Sometimes you have to go the extra mile so your partner doesn't feel taken for granted. If you really want to get crazy, hire an Elvis singing telegram to embarrass you loved one at the office or perhaps a skywriter. If you want to get a jump on next year, visit a microbrewery and brew you own beer or wine. You can create your own labels and really shock your friends.

Return to:  Quotes of the day

  A Positive Note
Contributed by:  Dianne White

On a positive note I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you, but if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work
and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. I just did. Sometimes they just need a little something to make
them smile.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
Return to:  Quotes of the day

  The Joys of Womanhood

Contributed by:  Dianne Ako

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes Ijust forget to eat."  Now I've forgotten myaddress, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. (No offense intended to my slim buddies - J :-) )

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.


Send this page to all the beautiful, intelligent, talented, charming,
hilarious women in your life!

Return to:  Quotes of the day

  Beautiful Women

Contributed by Dianne A.

A little boy asked his mother "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman", she told him.

"I don't understand", he said.

His mum just hugged him and said, "And you never will"

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason", was all his dad could say

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God; and when God got on the phone, he asked,  "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong  enough to carry the weight of the world; yet, gentle enough to give comfort"

"I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children"  "I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without
complaining "

"I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly"
"I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart"

"I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly"

"And finally, I gave her a tear to shed ..  This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see:

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair."

"The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

Please send this to all the beautiful women you know today in celebration of Women's History Month.

If you do, something good will happen You will boost another woman's self-esteem! Every Woman is Beautiful.

Return to:  Quotes of the day

  Just mature
Contributed by  Dianne W
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old...just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the this I'm secure,
I'm not really old ... I'm only mature.

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