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Click on the topic to read   Quotes of the Day.

TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES Handy Latin Phrases ACTUAL TOWN NAMES HORMONE HOSTAGE Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much TOP TEN MARKETING GOOFS QUOTES FROM THE POLITICAL SECTOR A Positive Note Nation of PUSHOVERS    THE TOP 14 BIBLICAL WAYS TO GET A WIFE SMART CHECK CHRISTMAS PRESENTS LAWS Just when you thought you knew THINGS TO PONDER DRIVE IN LAS VEGAS Clinton says farewell to nation   WHY DOGS ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS REFLECTIONS ON GETTING OLDER Retarded grandparents LOVE AND MARRIAGE BAD LANGUAGE ON SIGNS DAILY WORKOUT I'M NOT OLD ... JUST MATURE Past of our present ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Valentine Survival The Joys of Womanhood Beautiful Women I am Mature

Quotes of the Day.

- Conan O'Brien

- Brian Kiley

Sign in an office building washroom:

"Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."

"Superior people never make long visits."

--Marianne Moore

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind."

--William James

"The only way to enjoy anything in this life is to earn it first."

--Ginger Rogers

Make up your own list of maxims that speak to you, such as:

"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."

--Edgar Watson Howe

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one."

--Elbert Hubbard

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."

--John F. Kennedy

"People who are always making allowances for themselves soon go bankrupt."

--Mary Pettibone Poole

"I must govern the clock, not be governed by it."

--Golda Meir

"Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so."

--John Stuart Mill

Never make the mistake of thinking you know everything about anything:

"Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one."

--Voltaire

"The important thing is not to stop questioning."

--Albert Einstein

"If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things."

--Rene Descartes

"The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid."

--Lady Bird Johnson

"When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself."

--Louis Nizer

"To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward."

--Margaret Fairless Barber

Next time your tempted to be hard on yourself, consider this:

"I have offended God and mankind because my work didn't reach the quality it should have."

--Leonardo da Vinci

"There will be no proof that I ever was a writer."

--Franz Kafka

"My life has been nothing but a failure."

--Claude Monet

"When you have nothing to say, say nothing." -

-Charles Colton

"Trust in Allah, but tie your camel."

--Arabian proverb

"He is a real pessimist - he could look at a doughnut and see only the hole in it."

--Anon.

Go off by yourself occasionally:

"Solitude is my element, and the reason is that extreme awareness of other people... precludes awareness of one's self so that after a while the self no longer knows that it exists."

--May Sarton

"For solitude is sometimes best society, / And short retirement urges sweet return."

--John Milton

"Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone..."

--Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"Man must choose whether to be rich in things or in the freedom to use them."

--Ivan Illich

"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

--Carol Burnett

"Striving to be better, oft we mar what's well."

--William Shakespeare ("King Lear")

"For all sad words of tongue or pen, / The saddest are these: `It might have been.'"

--John Greenleaf Whittier

"The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again I'd make all the same mistakes - only sooner."

--Tallulah Bankhead

"My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else."

--Woody Allen

"Think twice before you speak - and you'll find everyone talking about something else."

--Francis Rodman

"When one must, one can."

--Yiddish Proverb

"Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in."

--Katherine Mansfield

Don't give in to cynicism:

"You gotta believe!"

--Tug McGraw

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."

--H. L. Mencken

"We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion, just as effectively as by bombs."

--Kenneth Clark

"No one grows old by living, only by losing interest in living."

--Marie Beynon Ray

"There is just one life for each of us: our own."

--Euripides

"The superior man makes the difficulty to be overcome his first interest; success comes only later."

--Confucius

"A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes, but to get into accord with them, for they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world."

--Sigmund Freud

"The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable."

--Paul Tillich

"There's a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside."

--Pearl Bailey

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.

---Don Herold

"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your  grandfather was."

--Irish Proverb

"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them."

-- Brendan Francis

"What do you want most to do?  That's what I have to keep  asking myself, in the face of difficulties."

--Katherine Mansfield

"If you don't control your mind, someone else will."

--John Allston

"Don't rent space to anyone in your head."

--Anon.

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education."

--Wilson Mizner

"Ideas won't keep; something must be done about them."

-- Alfred North Whitehead

"Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."

-- Swedish proverb

"Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine."

-- Robert C. Gallagher

Whatever you do in life, don't get stuck:

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

-- Mary Engelbreit

"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."

-- George Bernard Shaw

"You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted."

-- Ruth E. Renkl

"Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you."

--Frank Tyger

"What we think, we become."

--Buddha

"Choosing a goal and sticking to it changes everything."

--Scott Reed

"Success is important only to the extent that it puts one in  a position to do more things one likes to do."

--Sara Caldwell

"Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become  a man of value."

--Albert Einstein

"To me success means effectiveness in the world, that I am  able to carry my ideas and values into the world - that I am  ale to change it in positive ways."

--Maxine Hong Kingston

"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time."

-- Abraham Lincoln

"In the face of uncertainty, there is nothing wrong with hope."

-- O. Carl Simonton

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."

-- Tuli Kupferberg

To be successful in life, learn the art of prioritizing:

"One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach."

--Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win."

--Jonathan Kozol

"First things first, second things never."

--Shirley Conran

"Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these."

--Ovid

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

--Bill Cosby

"A mistake is evidence that someone tried to do something."

--Anon.

"No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness -- or so good as drink."

--G. K. Chesterton

"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim."

--Ann Landers

"The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after."

--Tallulah Bankhead

"One must lose one's life in order to find it."

--Anne Murrow Lindbergh

"Enthusiasm is nothing more or less than faith in action."

--Henry Chester

"They can because they think they can."

--Virgil

Life is tough enough without manufacturing things to worry about:

"Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable."

--Theodore N. Vail

"If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so anxious."

--Mignon McLaughlin

"Needless fear and panic over disease and misfortune that seldom materialize are simply bad habits. By proper ventilation and illumination of the mind it is possible to cultivate tolerance, poise and real courage."

--Elie Metchnikoff

"Life is just a series of trying to make up your mind."

--Timothy Fuller

"Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life."

--Muriel Spark

"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is."

--Margaret Mitchell

"You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, you don't branch out, you don't try - you don't take the risk."

--Rosalynn Carter

"One never knows what each day is going to bring.  The important thing is to be open and ready for it."

--Henry Moore

"You cannot plan the future by the past."

--Edmund Burke

Word of the Day:

Bilabial (adj) -- describing the consonant sounds made with two lips close together or touching.

Try to find a workable balance between thought and feeling:

"All great discoveries are made by men whose feelings run ahead of their thinking."

--C. H. Parkhurst

"The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime."

--Mignon McLaughlin

"Emotion has taught mankind to reason."

--Marquis de Vauvenargues

"Doubt indulged soon becomes doubt realized."

--Francis R. Havergal

"Don't let other people tell you what you want."

--Pat Riley

"We are what we believe we are."

--Benjamin N. Cardozo

Sometimes acceptance is just as important as striving and struggle:

"Acceptance of what happened is the first step to overcoming  the consequence of any misfortune."

--William James

"Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out."

--Anon.

"What we call reality is an agreement that people have arrived at to make life more livable."

--Louise Nevelson

"All effort is in the last analysis sustained by the faith that it is worth making."

--Ordway Tead

"A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience."

--Elbert Hubbard

"The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work."

--Richard Bach

To maximize your chance to be happy, keep busy:

"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."

--George Bernard Shaw

"Happiness walks on busy feet."

--Kitte Turmell

"To attain happiness in another world we need only to believe

something; to secure it in this world, we must do something."

--Charlotte Perkins Gilman

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"

- Dave Barry

"Doctors in Singapore have delivered the first baby using both a frozen egg and frozen sperm. Mother and baby are doing fine.  In fact, they're both at home chillin'."

- Jay Leno

"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Patience and fortitude conquer all things."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.  The fearful are caught as often as the bold."

--Helen Keller

"If you think you can, you can.  And if you think you can't, you're right."

--Mary Kay Ash

If you decide to go for it, do it with spirit: "Sometimes success is due less to ability than to zeal."

--Charles Buxton

"The world belongs to the energetic."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A man can succeed at almost anything for which he has unlimited enthusiasm."

--Charles M. Schwab

"Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things."

--Denis Diderot

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself."

--Ethel Barrymore

"You win the victory when you yield to friends."

--Sophocles

Budget your time:

"Time is a fixed income and, as with any income, the real problem facing most of us is how to live successfully within our daily allotment."

--Margaret B. Johnstone

"What we love to do we find time to do."

--John L. Spalding

"There is time for everything."

--Thomas A. Edison

"The man who has no inner life is the slave of his surroundings."

--Henri Frederic Amiel

"Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you."

--Joey Adams

"The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials."

--Lin Yutang

Marriage is a work in progress, so keep working at it:

"The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes."

--Amy Grant

"We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage

requires a lot of compromise."

--Raquel Welch

"A sound marriage is not based on complete frankness; it is based on a sensible reticence."

--Morris L. Ernst

"Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate  embraces; marriage is also three meals a day, sharing the workload and remembering to carry out the trash."

--Dr. Joyce Brothers

"Sweat plus sacrifice equals success."

--Charles O. Finley

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to  yourself the most comforting words of all: This, too, shall pass."

--Ann Lander.

Worrying is a waste of your time: "Happy the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind,  and has given up worrying, once and for all."

--Ovid

"What worries you, masters you."

--Haddon W. Robinson

"Don't hurry, don't worry.  You're only here for a short  visit.  So be sure and stop to smell the flowers."

--Walter Hagen

"I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!"

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Imagine my relief when I found out that the saying isn't 'Abstinence made the heart grow fonder.'"

- Dave Henry

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

~ Les Dawson

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

- Rita Rudner

"They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. 'I don't know; he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise.'"

- Wanda Sykes-Hall

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

- Rodney Dangerfield.

"As a CIA employee, whenever I hear that the Agency is programming people's minds, I have to laugh. I don't *want* to laugh when I hear this, but I have to because that's the way they programmed my mind."

"A horse may be forced to drink, but a pencil must be lead."

- Stan Laurel

"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect."

--Margaret Mitchell

"There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what  you want; and after that, to enjoy it.  Only the wisest of  mankind achieve the second"

--Logan Pearsall Smith

"Faith is the only known cure for fear."

--Lena K. Sadler

"The proverb warns that, 'You should not bite the hand that  feeds you.'  But maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself."

--Thomas Szasz

"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be self- sufficient."

--Michel de Montaigne

"Lord of himself, though not of lands, / And having nothing,  yet hath all."

--Henry Wotton

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."

--Socrates

"Opportunities multiply as they are seized; they die when  neglected. Life is a long line of opportunities."

--John Wicker

"Every new adjustment is a crisis in self-esteem."

--Eric Hoffer

"When something bad happens to me, I think I'm able to deal  with it in a pretty good way.  That makes me lucky.  Some   people fall apart at the first little thing that happens."

--Christie Brinkley

"The prizes go to those who meet emergencies successfully.   And the way to meet emergencies is to do each daily task the best we can."

--William Feather

"All that is necessary is to accept the unacceptable, do  without the indispensable, and bear the unbearable."

--Kathleen Norris

"Over the decades, Cosmopolitan has printed literally thousands of sure-fire techniques for driving men insane with passion. If these techniques actually worked, by now the entire male population of the United States would have been wiped out by lust, literally exploding into little mushroom clouds of vaporized bodily fluids."

- Dave Barry

"A federal appeals court has ruled that police in London, CT did not discriminate when they turned down a candidate who scored too high on the IQ test to become a police officer. They said they didn’t want cops who were too smart because they would get bored of the job and quit.  So, the way it works there is if you fail the IQ test you can be a cop, if you pass the IQ test you can’t be a cop, and if they catch you cheating on the IQ test, then they make you a lawyer."

- Jay Leno

"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's, only one begins with an

R."

- Dennis Miller

"If you could choose one characteristic that would get you  through life, choose a sense of humor."

--Jennifer Jones

"The man who fears nothing is as powerful as he who is feared  by everybody."

--J. C. F. von Schiller

"Success is often achieved by those who don't know that  failure is inevitable."

--Coco Chanel

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."

- Erma Bombeck

"When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse."

- Steven Wright

"Whenever I find myself in a difficult situation, I just think, 'What would Donkey Kong do?' So far, it works fine,

as long as I'm standing next to a pile of barrels on top of a weird ladder-structure."

- Todd Loushine

(From "The Simpsons")

Homer: "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

------------------------------

"Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?"

- Seinfeld

"All those women who say they scoff at cheesy, sentimental pick-up lines are obviously hanging around the wrong men. For me, a simple 'If you ever want to see your Mommy alive again...' works every time."

- Don Swain

"Of all the lessons in life that I've learned the hard way, the ones involving frontal nudity and hot bacon grease seem to be the most enduring."

- Randy B

"On TV, the commercial says that 8 out of 10 people suffer from hemorrhoids.  Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?"

"According to a recent study, the most popular fitness sport among Americans is bowling.  Is this really a 'fitness'sport? Any sport where you can drink beer and eat pizza while you're doing the sport is not a sport."

- Jay Leno

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

-- Jim Carrey

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

- Roseanne

"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use

out of the ones we already have."

- Jack Handey

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

- Woody Allen

"They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I think that a laughing gas factory would be pretty tough

competition."

- Greg Pettit

"According to a new study, Southerners are much more likely to have sex on their wedding night than other people. That makes sense ­ you're always going to be more comfortable with a relative."

- Jay Leno

"It took us many years to get to this lofty level of evolution. That leisurely pace of change was okay because there wasn't much to do except sit around and hope you didn't get eaten by wild pigs. Then somebody fell on a sharp stick and the spear was invented."

- Scott Adams, "Theory of Evolution (Summary)"

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."

- Jack Handey

"My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray *after* we eat."

- Rodney Dangerfielg

"When your life is filled with the desire to see the holiness in everyday life, something magical happens: ordinary life becomes extraordinary, and the very process of life begins to  nourish your soul!"

--Rabbi Harold Kushner

"He who laughs, lasts."

--Mary Pettibone Poole

"Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and to  think what nobody else has thought."

--Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

"No matter how old you get, if you can keep the desire to be  creative, you're keeping the man-child alive."

--John Cassavetes

"Man, surrounded by facts, permitting himself no surprise, no  intuitive flash, no great hypothesis, no risk, is in a locked  cell."

--Lillian Smith

"Discipline and focused awareness . . . contribute to the act  of creation."

--John Poppy

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"I hate when people honk at me. Unless I'm taking a left turn - then I like it, because that's how I know it's time to turn."

- Rita Rudner

"I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said ... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Growing up, my Mom always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window. If she *really* felt bad, though, she'd have moved the bird feeder outside."

- Rich Johnson

"It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk or running for office."

--Shirley McLaine

"Consistency is only a paste jewel that cheap men cherish."

--William Allen White

"Was it always my nature to take a bad time and block out the good times, until any success became an accident and failure seemed the only truth?"

--Lillian Hellman

Count your friends among your most valuable assets:

"True friendship is like sound health, the value is seldom known until it be lost."

--Charles Caleb Colton

"A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through."

--Laurence J. Peter

"There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

--Proverbs 18:24

Return to:  Quotes of the day

Handy Latin Phrases

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.

It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!

God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?

Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.

The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.

I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.

If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(At a barbeque)

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?

Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro.

I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?

Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.

Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Return to:  Quotes of the day

TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.

8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.

7. Use as railroad ties.

6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.

5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.

4. Use instead of cement shoes.

3. Save for next summer's garage sale.

2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.

1. Two words: pin cushion.

Return to:  Quotes of the day

ACTUAL TOWN NAMES

Llanfair-pwll-gwyngyll-gogerych wyrndrobwll-llantysilio-gogogoch

This is a very small place in Wales.

The name means

"St. Mary's Church in a hollow - white hazels - near to the rapid whirlpool - St. Tysil's Church - red cave."

Contributed by Frank Waterfield, of Frank's Place Web.

____________________________________

Moose Jaw, in the Province of Saskatchewan in Canada

Cut -N- Shoot, Texas (north of Houston).

French Lick, Indiana

Toast, North Carolina

Lizard Lick, North Carolina

Thanksgiving, North Carolina

Conetoe, North Carolina

Frog Suck, Wyoming

Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Gays, Illinois

Fort Gay, Wyoming

Sappho's Leap, Levkas Greece

Big Hole, Montana

BASTARDO in Umbria Italy

Tolu, Kentucky

Skull Bone, Tennessee

Soddy Daisey, Tennessee

Grinders Switch, Tennessee

34 Corner, Missouri

Cave-In-Rock, Illinois

Possum Trot, Kentucky

Monkey's Eyebrow, KY

Whynot, NC

Hell, Michigan (In the Lower Peninsula, naturally).

Paradise, Michigan (In the upper peninsula, naturally)

Head Basged In, Saskatchewan

Buffalo Jump, Saskatchewan

Dry Fork, Virginia

Dime Box, Texas

Old Dime Box, Texas

Possum Kingdom, Texas

Earth, Texas

Cut and Shoot , Texas

Gun Barrel City , Texas

Bigfoot , Texas

Wink , Texas

Happy , Texas

Troup , Texas

Pleak , Texas

Sweetwater , Texas

Agua Dulce , Texas

Sour Lake , Texas

Notrees , Texas

Pine Forest , Texas

Levelland , Texas

Mountain Home , Texas

Taco , Texas

Booger Holler, Arkansas

Toad Suck, Arkansas

Jigger, Louisiana

Devil's Elbow, MO

Uncertain, TX

Hot Coffee, MS.

Chicken, Alaska

Eek, Alaska

Unalaska, Alaska

Deadhorse, Alaska

Tightwad, MO

Blueballs, Pa ... Climax, Pa.

Dildo, Newfoundland

Conception Bay, Newfoundland

Malignant Cove, Nova Scotia

Scoudouc, New Brunswick

Bucksnort, Tennessee?

Jal, NM (Sometimes sounds like Jail) "I just got out of Jal"

Weed, NM (no kidding, look it up)

Nogal, NM

>Tucumcari, NM

Truth or Consequences, NM (named after the game show)

Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump  Alberta

Medicine Hat, Alberta

Return to:  Quotes of the day

HORMONE HOSTAGE

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Return to:  Quotes of the day

  Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much

Return to:  Quotes of the day

TOP TEN MARKETING GOOFS

10. Chevrolet Nova didn't do well in Spanish speaking countries ... Nova means 'No Go' ...

9. Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name 'Pavian' to suggest French chic ... but 'Pavian' means 'baboon' in German.

8. A peanut-packed chocolate bar targeted at Japanese teenagers needing while cramming for exams ran headlong into a belief that eating peanuts and chocolate causes nosebleeds.

7. Parker Pen's translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink" ... which also means "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

6. When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food package labels.

5. Coors slogan, "Turn it Loose," translated into Spanish as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

4. Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since "Puff" is a colloquial term for whorehouse.

3. Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means "Intimidating Green Ogre."

2. When Coca-Cola first came to China, it was given a similar sounding name ... but the characters used for the name meant "Bite the Wax Tadpole."

1. Chicken magnate Frank Perdue wants us to know that "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," but the Spanish translation came out as "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

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QUOTES FROM THE POLITICAL SECTOR

[Editor's Note:  most of these are unattributed, but all are purportedly from various politicians' campaigns, statements, etc.]

* "I resent your insinuendoes."

* "No man is an Ireland."

* "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

* "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

* "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

* "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

* "Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

* "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation."-- Marion Berry

* "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

* "To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."

* "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

* "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

* "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

* "Let's do this in one foul swoop."

* "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

* "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

* "I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

* "The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

* "I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

* "We have a permanent plan for the time being."

* "Family planning has many misconceptions."

* "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

* "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

* "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

* "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

* "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

* "In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."

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Nation of PUSHOVERS

by  Andrew Holota from Surrey Leader;

Fifteen years after 329 innocent people on Air India Flight 182 were blown out of the sky by terrorists bomb, charges are being brought against those allegedly responsible.

And lo and behold, what country did the accused perpetrators use as their base for that operation and God knows what else.?.  Why, good old, kind, generous and tolerant-to-the-point-of- stupidity Canada... Where else but in Canada could one run an organization that scarcely bothered to hide its violence-soaked agenda.?..

What other country would harbour within its border internationally suspected terrorists, who were free to conspire and carry out their mission fro years virtually free of harassment or government sanction.?.   Canada, of course.!.

Did this individuals lurk about in underground hideouts and sneak in and out of the country by surreptitious means.?.  Havens no, they used airports like any other fine citizens, and worked at everyday jobs, enjoying all the benefits and freedom the country has to offer...

Talwinder Singh Parmar - founder the Babbar Khalsa group advocating Sikh separatism by violent means and directly linked to terrorist activities in India - lived for a time in the Lower Mainland.  After he was eventually killed in a shootout with police in India, he become a martyr who was openly revered by many supporters in this country...

Babbar Khalsa is still registered as a non-profit society in B.C., if you can believe it.  It's a religious organization, you see....    Former Parmar associate, Ajaib Singh Bagri, was reportedly in Surrey a few weeks ago, organizing an event in memory of Parmar.  Along with bombing charges, he's also now accused of the 1988 attempted murder of Surrey newspaper publisher,  Tara Sing Hayer...

The point is this:  Individuals of this ilk came to Canada because they were allowed to be here..  And they remained in Canada, despite authorities becoming aware or at least deeply suspicious of their association and activities and political sentiments...

If this country had an immigration system that made any sense, people like this would have been unceremoniously pitched out long ago...  No handwringing about "rights" and irrefutable proof.  No batteries of taxpayers-supported lawyers using every legal trick in the book to drag out the process for years...   No $50-million police investigation to lay charges hat may not result in conviction.  Just a one-way ticket back to the country of origin, along with a clear message: "It doesn't matter if you're black, brown, white, East Indian, Tamil, British, Muslim, Sikh, Christian or otherwise...  Take your causes and your hatred and fanaticism, and leave (please)..

But not here.  Not in Canada..   Our legislators and courts and politicians are so damned concerned about being nice, and fair, that this country has become a doormat for those who want to carry their brand of religious and political conflict to a place where the government is so gelded, its representatives will rapidly attend fund-raising dinners staged by terrorist groups...

Why isn't the suspicion of being involved in or supporting terrorist and/or serious criminal activities good enough to have the parties involved be flatly refused immigrant status at the outset, or quickly evicted at any point after entry has been granted.?.

Because this is Canada, home of the politically correct patsies.!.

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THE TOP 14 BIBLICAL WAYS TO GET A WIFE

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.- Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes I [Ahasuerus] (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson   (Judges 14:1-)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

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SMART CHECK

Answer all questions and rate yourself.

1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?

3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm?

4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?

8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?

ANSWERS :

1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.

3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and pm.

4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

5) 9 live sheep.

6) The match.

7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

8) 2 apples. I have 3 apples, YOU take 2, what do YOU have?

9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.

10) YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)

10 - Genius

9 - Mensa Member

8 - Engineer

7 - Student

6 - High school pupil

5 - Primary school pupil

4 - Teacher

3 - College lecturer

2 - University lecturer

1 - Member of parliament

0 - Blonde

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CHRISTMAS PRESENTS LAWS:

1. If it doesn't run off the mains, batteries are never included

2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included

3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26

4. If you can wear it, it's the wrong size

5. If it fits, the colour is never right

6. Santa Claus is an incorrigible practical joker

BOREN'S LAWS:

1. When in doubt, mumble

2. When in trouble, delegate

3. When in charge, ponder

LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY

An object will always fall so that it causes maximum damage, both to itself and to the thing on which it falls

** COROLLARIES:

1. The chance of the bread falling buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet

2. The most delicate part will be the one that drops

VARGAS'S LAWS

1. If directions to a place include the words 'you can't miss it', you will.

2. There is no such thing as a little garlic - or a mild heart attack - or a few children

3. A jar that cannot be opened by any combination of household tools, force and determination, will instantly open if picked up by the lid.

Return to:  Quotes of the day

Just when you thought you knew everything....

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

9.The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

10.To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

11.The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Return to:  Quotes of the day

THINGS TO PONDER

1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

3. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

4. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

5. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

6. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I've tried it, it doesn't work)

7. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

8. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

9. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

10. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

11. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

12. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

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TIPS FOR TOURISTS WHO WANT TO   DRIVE IN LAS VEGAS

By Ezra B. Riner

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Clinton says farewell to nation

President calls for U.S. to stay on course on economy, world affairs and civil rights

Clinton says he wishes President-elect Bush well. He says he'll leave the presidency "more idealistic" and "more full of hope" than when he took office

MSNBC NEWS SERVICES

WASHINGTON, Jan. 18 —  President Bill Clinton, in a farewell address Thursday night from the Oval Office, thanked the American people for the opportunity to serve them and issued several tacit challenges to his successor. Clinton said he was leaving office “more idealistic, more full of hope than the day I arrived and more confident than ever that America’s best days lie ahead.”

CLINTON, WHOSE EIGHT years in the White House brought unprecedented economic prosperity along with a humiliating sex scandal and a bitter impeachment battle, leaves office on Saturday — turning over the White House to George W. Bush.

Clinton offered “three thoughts” about America’s future — all of them areas in which he and Bush have sharp differences.

First, Clinton said, the nation “must maintain our record of fiscal responsibility,” and said that wise choices will enable the nation to continue paying down its debt. Clinton and Bush have differed in this area, with Bush calling for deep tax cuts.

Second, Clinton appealed for Americans to reject an isolationist stance and remember U.S. responsibilities as a world leader. “American cannot and must not disentangle itself from the world,” Clinton said.

“If the wars of the 20th century ... have taught us anything, it is that we achieve our aims by defending our values and leading the forces of freedom and peace. ... America’s security and prosperity requires us to continue to lead in the world.”

Clinton and Bush have disagreed over the use of U.S. forces abroad. While Clinton has dispatched troops aggressively to Kosovo and the Balkans, Bush has promised to be more circumspect about sending American soldiers abroad.

The president also said Americans must work harder to overcome their differences with each other.

“We must remember that America cannot lead in the world unless here at home we weave the threads of our coat of many colors into the fabric of one America,” Clinton said. “As we become ever more diverse, we must work harder to unite around our common values and our common humanity.”

“In our hearts and in our laws, we must treat all our people with fairness and dignity,” Clinton said. Bush and Clinton disagree on affirmative action, hate crime legislation and other civil rights issues.

Clinton then offered Bush his best wishes in “meeting these challenges.”

ACCOMPLISHMENTS CITED

Clinton cited numerous accomplishments of the past eight years, including improved test scores, cleaner air and water, fewer Americans below the poverty level and 3 million children with health insurance. He said he worked to give Americans a smaller government that “always put people first” and focused on the future.

“I am profoundly grateful to you for twice giving me the honor to serve, to work for you and with you to prepare our nation for the 21st century,” Clinton said.

Clinton said his “days of service” to the nation were not over. He said he will never hold a higher position than president, but added, “There is no title I will wear more proudly than that of citizen.”

Clinton has not specifically said what he plans to do after he leaves office, and his closing comments set off speculation about his future.

NBC’s Washington bureau chief Tim Russert said Clinton “has a lot of political living left to do” and is likely to remain a powerful force in the Democratic Party.

“This is not someone who’s going to become a recluse, someone who’s going to go off and become a former president in the noble sense of the word,” said Russert. “He’s 54 years old. Politics is in his blood and he gave every indication tonight that he is not going to step aside in any real fashion.”

Clinton’s speech lasted about seven minutes — a very brief address, especially by Clinton’s standards. He made no mention of the Monica Lewinsky sex-and-lies scandal that roiled his presidency or the impeachment battle that followed.

MORE GOODBYES TO COME

Thursday’s speech was the latest, but not the final, goodbye from the nation’s 42nd president. A farewell ceremony is planned at the airport Saturday as he leaves Washington after Bush’s inauguration, and a welcoming rally awaits Clinton soon after at Kennedy International Airport in New York. He also will have a final radio address Saturday.

The imminent change of command was apparent around the White House. Clinton’s aides stripped photos from the walls and packed personal papers into boxes. Computer drives were being archived and cleared for the incoming administration. Clinton’s staff was to lose e-mail capability at the end of the day.

The president helped packers decide what should be sent to his homes in New York and Washington and what should go to his library and apartment in Arkansas.

Outside the White House, Pennsylvania Avenue was lined with thousands of bleachers and a gleaming white presidential reviewing stand for the inaugural parade. Bush was in residence at the Blair House, the presidential guest house.

MIXED FEELINGS

As he leaves office, Americans still have mixed feelings about Clinton, according to an NBC-Wall Street Journal survey released Wednesday.

Fifty-six percent gave Clinton positive marks, with 16 percent saying he would turn out to be one of the very best presidents and 40 percent judging him better than most. But 24 percent said Clinton would be judged not as good as most presidents, and 18 percent said he would turn out to be “definitely worst than most.”

On his final helicopter ride as president, Clinton enjoyed one last aerial look at Washington’s monuments as he returned from a nostalgic trip home to Arkansas on Wednesday, White House spokesman Jake Siewert said. When Clinton boards the helicopter again on Saturday, he will be president no longer. The aircraft radio designation then will be Special Air Mission instead of Marine One.

Foot note:   He was horny, but the best president US ever had...

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WHY DOGS ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS

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REFLECTIONS ON GETTING OLDER

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Retarded grandparents

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LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Love is holding hands in the street   -   Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant   -   Marriage is a Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa   -   Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children   -   Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early   -   Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive   -   Marriage is a tarmac drive

Love is losing your appetite   -   Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothing in the ear   -   Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank

Love is a flickering flame   -   Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws   -   Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

Return to:  Quotes of the day

BAD LANGUAGE ON SIGNS

In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kyushi: "Japan Stop Drive Sideways."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - no ice cream."

In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

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DAILY WORKOUT

Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

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  I'M NOT OLD ... JUST MATURE

Contributed by Dianne Ako

~Author Unknown

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  Past of our present

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  ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS