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SUNBURN
Contributed by Dianne W.
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain.
He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village surgery," he explained.
"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..."
The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"
"Nothing at all for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."
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"It seems female inmates in New Jersey are answering the phones and staffing the state’s tourist hotline. They get 58 cents an hour when people call and they tell people what to visit in New Jersey. And, for $2.99 a minute, they’ll tell you what they’re going to do to you when you get there."
- Jay Leno
"There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp."
- Joan Rivers
"I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying HIM?"
- Jerry Seinfeld
THE CATS' BILL OF RIGHTS
1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants.
2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants.
3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants.
4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty andthe pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants.
5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as it's cute.
6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I say feed me ... Again.)
7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.
8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.
The woman, who was hard of hearing,
A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the
entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman, who was hard of hearing,
decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the
conclusions.
He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."
The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."
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Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
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When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
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Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous. However, her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother
and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!"
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Step aside," said the mother. "You stay here and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!"
Drinking Buddies.
A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Tooles. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Martini's, with every third round they bring a free bottle of Chianti to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Vlastof's, we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
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Q: Why do Women Prefer Russian Sailors?
A: They not scared to go down, will bang away for hours, lay down in a wet spot and still be stiff after 10 hours!
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagreed. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"
"It is obvious they are Russian," argued the Russian. "They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"
The Nymphomaniac on the Airplane
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you.
I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends call me Bubba!
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"Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
The Convict and the Vaseline
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Justcooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
The Holy man and the barber.
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.
The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, its on the house."
The priest says, "Thank you, my son," and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 silver coins.
A few days later, a Sheik goes in for a trim, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please. You're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house."
The Sheik says, "God bless you," and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 gold coins.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 Rabbis!
How stupid the wife's are.
An Englishman, a German, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The German says, "That's nothing! My wife just spent $1,000 on ski equipment, and she can't even ski!"
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these three women sound like they all walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there, and she doesn't even have a penis!"
The Priest and the kid
One day a priest in Ireland was walking down the road and he came upon a boy bouncing a ball and singing, "The Protestants own all the houses, the Protestants own all the houses!"
The priest explained to the boy that it wasn't nice to sing such a song and upon his return he wanted to here a different tune from the boy. Agreeing, the priest went on his way.
Upon his return he approached the boy who was singing, "Jesus was born in a stable, Jesus was born in a stable.".
"Now that's much better my son", exclaimed the priest as he proceeded home.
The boy continued to sing, "Jesus was born in a stable because the Protestants owned all the houses!"
TOILET POLICY MEMO
In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal guidelines.
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time, thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.
Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip credits.These credits may be accumulated!
Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with voice print recognition devices.
Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel department.The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period.
If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month.
In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors.
If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the toilet door will open.
If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will be posted on the noticeboard. Anyone whose picture appears any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal.
If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your personnel officer.
An Old Soldier talking to his toes.
An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the
park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we
marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE ...
[Editor's Note: I very rarely do blonde jokes; but I just couldn't resist this collection. Apologies to all blondes out there!]
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
HORMONE HOSTAGE
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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Following are the 3 main causes of death in the US today:
1. Cancer
2. Heart disease
3. Being a member of the Kennedy family.
Q: What do JFK, Jr.'s friends call him now?
A: Chum!
Q. What was JFK, Jr. drinking when his plane went down?
A. Ocean Spray!
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One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
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An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the
town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
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On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about
her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity
of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her
much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other
men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
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A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."
After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?
He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"
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Vinnie walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."
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An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them
in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning
six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six
of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
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Murphy had been at the pub putting down a few pints and was driving home when the constable spotted him weaving all over
the road. So the constable stopped him and said to him, "Murphy lad, I think ye've been drinkin' a wee too much ta be drivin'."
Murphy says, "Naw Andy...I'm as sober as a judge"
"But I saw ye come from the pub...and I've been following you. Y've been weavin' all over the road."
"Well," says Murphy, "Maybe I've had one er two."
"ONE ER TWO?! Your missus fell outa the car two miles back and you didn't even know it!"
Murphy says, "Thank God! I thought I was goin deaf!"
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Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
President Clinton, Jesse Jackson, a priest, and a boy scout are all on a plane.
An announcement over the intercom says that there is trouble ahead and the plane is going to crash. The crew has their own
parachutes, but there are only 3 for the passengers. Bill Clinton says, "I'm the head of the greatest nation on earth.
I need to lead my country." So he takes one and jumps.
Jesse Jackson says, "Well, I be a good role model for all the afro-americans of da world dat need somebody to look up to."
So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The priest turns to the boy scout and says, "Son, I've led a long, full life and feel that I have accomplished everything
I've needed to. Please take the last parachute."
The boy scout says politely, "That's nice of you sir, but we'll both be able to survive and live. That stupid nigger
took my backpack."
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A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties and motions for him to get closer.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."
He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always."
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A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you're doing? There is a public toilet 20 metres from here!"
The drunk, amazed, yells back, "What do you think I have, a hose?!"
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On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.
The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog."
"Sure does."
"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."
"Sounds good."
The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry
I spoiled your plans to go hunting."
"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."
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Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the
bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
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Her grandson is playing in the water, while Sophie is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sophie holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
Sophie responds, "Well, he was wearing a hat."
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Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intelligent, law abiding and truthful?
A: A tourist
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Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks......
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored?
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If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a
worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd
still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel
countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be
the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your
bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.
If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover
the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole
appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top
of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly
classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for
reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If CostCo/Price Club made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
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The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
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Did you hear about the hooker who became ill and couldn't work? She asked a friend if she could borrow $200 until she
could get on her back again.
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Vinnie goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced.
The store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Vinnie puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked! He takes them
off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and
finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back
on, and they are still naked.
Vinnie gets disgusted and says, "Damn, I just paid fifty- bucks for these, and they're already broken!"
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