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| Warning: If some of the jokes offend you, please, don't read it.!. |
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| A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. |
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| "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" asked the doctor. |
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| "Why, yes," replied the man. |
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| "And did you have sex while over there?" |
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| The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice." |
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| The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'" |
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| The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?" |
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| "Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation." |
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| "An operation? What kind of operation?" |
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| "Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?" |
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| The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!" |
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| The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it. Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician. |
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| After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room. "Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait. |
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| "Yes," answered the Asian doctor. |
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| "And is it really incurable?" |
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| "Yes, there is no known cure." |
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| The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?" |
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| At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. |
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| "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?" |
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| As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!" |
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| "I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed. |
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| "Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!" |
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| ------------------------- |
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| Two guys work together - a black guy and a white guy. The black guy notices that the white guy always came to work with a smile on his face. He asks him, "Man, how come you come to work with a smile on your face every day?" |
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| The white guy replied "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed the black guy asks him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. |
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| "That's easy," the white guy said. "I just tell her the same poem when I wake up: Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue, I just love waking up and making love to you!" |
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| Determined, the black guy decides to take his friends advice. The next day the black guy shows up to work all beat to hell - black eyes, broken nose, fat lip... the works. The white guy says, "Man, what happened to you?" The black guy says "I don't know, I went home and tried your advice." "Well, what poem did you tell your wife?" the white guy asked. |
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| The black guy replied: "Nappy head, Nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!" |
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| A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his dream was about to come true. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you. I would like to tell you a joke before I start." |
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| The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke." |
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| The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..." |
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| The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?" |
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| "I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower." |
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| You know you live in a small town when the guy at the local convenience store speaks English. |
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| Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" |
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| 1st customer: "I'll have tea." |
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| 2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!" |
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| Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" |
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| A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, butthe customer decides to let it go. |
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| "Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good roast beef today." |
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| "Sounds good," says the customer. |
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| So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The customer is irked, but decides to hold his tongue. |
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| "How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter. |
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| "Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is pissed but decides to let it go since he is almost finished. |
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| "Coffee?" asks the waiter. And when the customer nods yes, he hurries off, only to return with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. |
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| By now the customer can no longer restrain himself. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!" |
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| "I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place." |
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| "Why don't you just stick it up your ass?" |
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| "Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?" |
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| The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many." |
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| Q: How are airplanes and women alike? |
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| A: They both have cockpits! |
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| An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. |
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| He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. |
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| Finally, he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author. |
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| "No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia." |
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| "Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?" |
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| A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. |
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| "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." |
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| The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. |
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| "I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker." |
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| The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up Hope until a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that." |
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| A woman talks to a psychiatrist and says, "You've got to help me Doctor, my husband thinks he's a racehorse! He neighs, sleeps on straw, and even eats grain!" |
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| "No problem," says the doctor. "I can heal him, but it's gonna be costly!" |
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| "Oh, money isn't an issue," says the disgruntled wife. "He's already won two races!" |
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| Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding? |
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| The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window. |
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| "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. |
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| The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." |
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| When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. |
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| -------------------------- |
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| A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold. |
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| The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?" |
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| "I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?" |
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| I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she's unconscious!" |
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| "Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks |
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| "Between the first and second holes." |
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| "Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches!" |
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| Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?" |
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| The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." |
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| The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. |
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| The hubby asks, "What the heck was that? |
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| The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." |
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| The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!" |
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| Young TZ found it impossible to get a date. He'd start to talk to a girl, and his tongue would twist up like a pretzel. He went to a bookstore and looked for something that would help him overcome his timidity. On a nonfiction rack he saw a book titled "Ways to Women". Blowing his entire allowance, he bought the book, rushed home, and discovered that he had bought volume ten of the encyclopedia! |
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| A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." |
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| "What's the curse?" the man asked. |
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| Pythagorean theorem: 24 words. |
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| The Lord's prayer: 66 words. |
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| Archimedes' Principle: 67 words. |
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| The 10 Commandments: 179 words. |
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| The Gettysburg address: 286 words. |
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| The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words. |
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| U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words. |
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| There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. |
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| The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. |
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| He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." |
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| The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!" |
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| People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. |
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| Your wife is so nasty, I saw her at a yard sale trying on underwear. |
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| "First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." |
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| "Oh no you're not," said the girl. |
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| "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." |
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| "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." |
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| "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." |
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| "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. |
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| "Oh yes you are!" said the girl. |
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| The Presidential election is finally starting to roll, but we've all heard the same promises and slogans before. So the Shagmail staff has come up with the Top Ten campaign slogans they would like to hear during Election 2000: |
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| 10. George W. Bush. At least I'm not Orrin Hatch. |
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| 9. George and his Dick can accomplish anything. |
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| 8. Gore/Lieberman - Marge Schott is our Press Secretary. |
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| 7. Gore/Lieberman - The Kosher Campaign. |
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| 6. Gore/Lieberman - We'll Buy Your Vote, But We Don't Pay Retail. |
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| 5. Young Lesbian Republicans Want Bush. |
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| 4. Bush/Cheney - We Don't Smoke Cigars. |
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| 3. Gore 2000 - If I can invent the Internet, imagine what I can do for the economy. |
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| 2. Ross Perot - Bet You Wish I Was Around Now, Don't Ya? |
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| And the number 1 campaign slogan we'd like to hear: |
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| 1. Interns don't do Dick. |
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| A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in. There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!" |
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| At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!" |
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| An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist's office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" |
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| "Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now." |
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| "Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked. |
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| "First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch." |
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| -------------------------- |
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| The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her mMother: "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony." |
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| "I don't know, what would I wear?" |
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| "Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker." |
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| "But I only eat kosher food." |
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| "Mama, I am going to be the President, I can get you kosher food." |
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| "But how will I get there?" |
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| "I'll send a limo, just come mama." |
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| "Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy." |
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| The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges |
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| the gentleman on her right. |
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| "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!" |
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| ------------------------- |
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| An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home when the old man says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am." |
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| The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants." |
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| The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays with his noodle for a minute, pulls her hand |
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| out and says, "You're 89." |
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| The old man looks at her incredulously and asks, "How did you know that?" |
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| The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!" |
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| "If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the applause." - Paul Tindale |
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| It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomachs contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. |
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| 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. |
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| Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. |
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| The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during |
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| World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. |
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| Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. |
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| Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. |
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| The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. |
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| A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out |
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| A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. |
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| As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" |
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| "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws." |
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| A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. |
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| "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." |
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| -------------------------- |
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| Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won'tget away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this." |
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| "Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began. |
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| "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day." |
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| "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?" |
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| ------------------------- |
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| A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. |
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| "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. |
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| "They're mating," her father replied. |
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| "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" |
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| "That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered. |
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| "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the girl asked. |
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| "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." |
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| The little girl thought about it for a moment then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of THAT in OUR garden." |
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| A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. |
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| "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" |
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| With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day." |
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| An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. |
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| Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. |
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| He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly, "So, you've been out drinking again?" |
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| "What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look. |
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| "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again." |
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| Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shoutedto the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" |
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| "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. |
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| "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. |
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| "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. |
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| "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." |
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| He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. |
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| "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. |
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| "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" |
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| "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones." |
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| A man is captured by cannibals, every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. |
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| Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "Hey, you can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!" |
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| A week after their marriage, these newlyweds from Kentucky paid a visit to their doctor. |
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| "I can't figure it out doc, my testicles are turning blue." |
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| The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. |
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| He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?" |
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| "And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked. |
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| One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunk's ass. |
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| A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what they're doing. "What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass?" yells the cop. |
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| "I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk. |
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| "Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass!" the cop says. |
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| "I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk. |
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| Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. |
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| "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around." |
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| "Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail." |
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| "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?" |
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| "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me i-na jail!" |
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| "But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered. |
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| "Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'." |
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| A young couple wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy abruptly stops. |
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| "You know," he says, "we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's time we had intercourse," |
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| "Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us." |
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| The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well if it hurts start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing!" |
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| The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, everyone within a mile hear the following: |
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| "Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon Riverrrr....!" |
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| A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report: |
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| You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. |
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| An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. |
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| Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long." |
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| The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!" |
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| Why did the Polish couple decide to have only four children? - Because they read that one out of every five babies born in the world is Chinese. |
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| The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual. |
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| "Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?" |
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| She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited. |
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| "You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. |
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| "Strawberry, cherry, banana..." |
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| "What did you get?" he interrupted. |
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| (From How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader.) |
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| It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment - "Find water!" - is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them. |
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| 1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides me. |
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| 2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class. |
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| 3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God" is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy God. |
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| 4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments. |
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| 5. Honor thy single parent. |
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| 6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die. |
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| 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office. |
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| 8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.) |
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| 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner. |
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| 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools. |
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| The following excerpts are drawn from letters written by citizens applying for payments from a state welfare agency. |
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| I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. |
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| I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. |
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| Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life. |
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| You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference? |
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| I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. |
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| I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? |
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| I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born. |
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| Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. |
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| Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. |
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| In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. |
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| I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on half a sheet of paper. |
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| My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. |
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| I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks now and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. |
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| I am writing to say that my baby was born two years old, when do I get my money. |
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| This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it? |
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| You have changed my little boy to a little girl, will this make any difference? |
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| Please send me money at once since I have fallen into error with my landlord. |
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| I have no children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night. |
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