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Man - Woman dance separately
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "for modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"
Don't screw up again.
Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says "Come on Willie, we're going upstairs!"
Willie replies "OK, That's one of my favorite things!"
As soon as they get upstairs Ethel grabs Willie and throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way and so do you."
Willie replies "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll loose my job."
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"
Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me, 'Willie, You screw up one more time and you're fired!'"
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A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when he suffered a massive heart attack and died... The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?"
To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut it off and stuff it in his ass."
When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly... "Hurts, doesn't it?"
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Five men are stranded on a tropical island. The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one whole month the guys are all sitting around when Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!" So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla. Each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty.
The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him into her harder and harder.
Garry yells to his buddies, "Get it off! Get it off!
They shout, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."
Garry says, "No, I mean the bag, I want to kiss the her!"
-----------------
A drunk stumbles onto a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stagger down into
the water and stands next to the minister. The minister turns , notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, sir-l am."
The minister than dunks the drunk under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the minister asks.
"No l haven't!" says the drunk.
The minister then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and asks, "Now have you found Jesus?"
"No l have not!" bellows the drunk again.
Disgusted, the minister holds the drunk under for at least 30 seconds the third time, then brings him up and demands,
"For the grace of God! Have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
----------------------------
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them fancy Toyotas."
------------------------
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me
something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work
goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you
doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle.
----------------------
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"
She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.
He asks, "Do you have a brother?"
Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
-----------------------
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
-----------------------
A fellow walked up to me the other day and said, "Have you seen a cop around here anywhere?"
I said, "No." He said, "Great. Stick 'em up!"
-------------------
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
-------------------
The Gays & Lesbians are going to vote Republican this year. Yep, the gays like Dick, and the lesbians like Bush!
------------------
Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.
Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says, "What will we name the child?"
The guy freaks and runs away. So the second guy goes over to her and starts "doing his thing" when she says, "What will
we name the child?"
He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the child? He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going.
Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of it and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini."
-----------------------
A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, "life isn't so bad after all," and climbed down from the railing.
He then walked down to the riverbank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"I am not dancing, you dickhead," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it."
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There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $20 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks
where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother
rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the
mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives
the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
-----------------------
What is globalization ?
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel driving a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian driver, who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, treated by an American
doctor, using Brazilian medicines dies!
In case you don't know who the above joke is memorializing, it's Princess Diana.
---------------------
Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree, A gynecologist looks up your family bush!
--------------------
There were two old men sitting on a park bench. A blonde woman walks by.
One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?"
The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."
A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?"
The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."
A redhead walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?"
The other old man says, "Not a wink."
---------------------
Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each
of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the
works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says,
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man
and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest
breasts.
------------------------
There were two guys, and one day they found a whorehouse. The first guy went in and then came out a few minutes later and
said "My wife is better"
Then the second guy goes in and comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."
------------------------
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
------------------------
Grandpa is in a coma, and Grandma is worried he is going to die. She says to her grandson, "You watch him while I prepare some food. Let me know if there are any changes in his condition." Pretty soon Grandpa wakes up and says to his grandson, "Are those Grandma's cookies I smell? Tell Grandma I want some of her cookies." The boy goes downstairs, then comes back up and says to Grandpa, "Grandma says you can't have any. They're for the funeral."
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A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
----------------------
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician did
every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the
show, "Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was,
after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean
with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for a day then another and another.
After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck
is the boat?"
--------------------
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throats for some time and felt that this was
their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without
anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles
an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared
in disbelief.
The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "OK, I can have
her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
-------------------
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throats for some time and felt that this was
their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without
anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles
an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared
in disbelief.
The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "OK, I can have
her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
-------------------
Patty is visiting her father Ralph at the nursing home.
"I've been sleeping really well these past few weeks," Ralph says.
"Why?" Patty asks. "Have the nurses been giving you something to help you sleep?"
"Yes," Ralph says. "Every night I'm given an glass of warm milk and viagra."
"Why are they giving you viagra?" she asks.
"I don't know," Ralph says.
Patty finds a nurse down the hall and asks to know more about their sleeping aids.
"The warm milk helps him sleep," the nurse says.
"But why the viagra?" Patty asks.
"Oh," the nurse says. "That just keeps him from rolling out of bed."
Nedley1
Paddock Lake, Wis.
Kelly is sitting at the bar having an after-work cocktail with some friends, when an exceptionally handsome and sexy younger man walks in.
Kelly can't stop staring at him. Eventually he notices and comes over to her.
"I'm so sorry," Kelly says. "I didn't mean to look at you like that."
"I'll do absolutely anything that you want me to do , no matter how kinky, for $100," he says. "There's only one condition."
"What's the condition?" Kelly asks.
"You have to tell me what you want in three words," he says.
Kelly considers this proposition for a few minutes, then takes five $20 bills out of her purse and presses them into the man's hand.
She looks deep into his eyes and says, "Clean my house."
MWard819
Costa Mesa, Calif.
Amy, not the best student in Sunday School, usually falls asleep during class. One afternoon her teacher, Mrs. Baxter, calls on her while she's napping.
"Amy, who created the universe?" Mrs. Baxter asks.
When Amy didn't answer, the boy sitting behind her jabs a pin in her rear.
"God Almighty!" Amy shouts.
"Very good," Mrs. Baxter says.
"Now, Amy," Mrs. Baxter asks, "Who is the Lord and Savior?"
Amy is asleep so the boy jabs her in the rear again.
"Jesus Christ!" Amy shouts.
"Excellent," Mrs. Baxter says. "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to their twenty-third child?"
The little boy pokes Amy in the rear for a third time.
Amy jumps out of her chair and shouts, "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it off!"
Raven
Dallas, Texas
For 50 years, a pair of statues named Romeo and Juliet have stood facing each other on either side of the entrance to the park.
One summer day, an angel named Zoe comes down from heaven and brings the statues to life.
"For 50 years, the two of you have been the symbol of young love to all who walk past you," Zoe says. "I'm giving you two hours to do ANYTHING you want."
Romeo and Juliet gleefully run into the nearby bushes holding hands. Zoe can hear them laughing and moving about. Fifteen minutes later the statues walk out from behind the bushes smiling from ear to ear.
"What are you two doing back so soon?" Zoe asks. "You have over an hour left to play!"
"Excellent!" Romeo says. "OK, Juliet, this time you hold down the pigeon and I get to crap on it!"
Angelfern
Corpus Christi, Texas
Joan wanted to spend her entire vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. The roof was deserted, so she slipped off her bikini to get an overall tan.
Five minutes later, Joan hears someone running toward her. Since she is lying on her stomach, she quickly pulls a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, Miss," the assistant manager says. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would really appreciate it if you would continue to wear your bikini."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asks. "No one can see me on the roof."
"Well, not exactly," the assistant manager says. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Pzarcone
Medford, Mass.
Ben wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla perched in a tree near his bedroom window. Shocked, he calls the local animal control officer who transfers his call to an exotic animal specialist.
Ben explains the situation, and the specialist asks, "Is the gorilla male or female?"
"A male, I think," says Ben.
"Okay, I'll be right over to take care of him," the specialist says.
A few minutes later, the specialist arrives with a Chihuahua, a club, handcuffs and a shotgun.
The specialist explains his plan to Ben: "I'll climb up to the gorilla and knock him out of the tree with the club. When the gorilla hits the ground, the Chihuahua will run over and try to bite him in the crotch. The gorilla will then cross his hands over his vitals to cover them. That's your cue to slap the cuffs on him. Got it?"
"Sure. But what's the shotgun for?" Ben asks.
"If the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, use it to shoot the darn Chihuahua!"
Opa32
Waynesboro, Va.
Bill, a very shy guy, walks into a pub and notices a beautiful brunette sitting at the bar alone. He orders a drink and nurses it for about an hour before he gets enough courage to talk to her.
"Um, would you mind if I talk to you?" he says.
She announces at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar turns to look at them. Bill is completely embarrassed and walks back to his seat.
The brunette feels sorry for Bill so she decides to apologize for her behavior.
"I'm sorry about that," she says. "I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
Bill looks at her and yells, "What do you mean, $200 an hour?"
"Bettyboop_"
Little Egg Harbor, N.J.
A burglar quietly breaks into a house in the middle of the night. He takes out his small flashlight and begins to look around the room.
Suddenly, the burglar hears a voice whisper, "Jesus can see you."
The burglar swings around and shines his flashlight on a caged cockatoo.
"Jesus can see you," the cockatoo says.
"Oh, really?" the burglar asks. "What's your name?"
"Moses," the cockatoo says.
"What idiot would name a bird Moses?" the burglar asks.
"The same idiot who named the Doberman behind you Jesus!"
"Alf15"
Adelaide, South Australia
Six American Presidents are trapped on a sinking cruise ship.
Gerald Ford says, "What do we do?"
George Bush says, "Man the lifeboats."
Ronald Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"
Jimmy Carter says, "Women first."
Richard Nixon says, "Screw the women."
Bill Clinton says, "Do you think we have time?"
"Brackmaned"
Buena Park, CA
A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293," he says. "The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and — OH MY GOD!"
The intercom falls silent.
A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. "I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier," he says.
"But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
"That's nothing," a passenger in coach shouted. "You should see the back of mine!"
"ItzVikki"
Oklahoma City, OK
Carla, a 41 year old biologist, comes home from the doctor and runs into her bedroom. She rips her clothes off and starts jumping up and down of her bed.
Her husband Nathan walks into the room and watches Carla for a minute.
"You look ridiculous," Nathan says. "What's gotten into you?"
"I just had my yearly check-up," Carla says. "The doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year old!"
"Yeah right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?" Nathan asks.
"Funny," she says. "Your name never came up."
"bettyboop_"
Little Egg Harbor, NJ
Harvey and Sara -- an elderly married couple -- have trouble remembering things, so they write everything down. One night in bed, Sara gets a craving and wakes up her husband.
"Get up and bring me some apple pie and ice cream, Harvey," Sara says. "And you better write it down."
"I think I can remember that," Harvey mumbles as he heads for the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, Harvey returns with a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage.
"What's this?" Sara asks.
"It's what you asked for!" Harvey says.
"See, I told you to write it down," Sara says. "You forgot my toast."
"justice2112"
Criders, VA
Bobby (age 7) and Jerry (age 4) are playing in their bedroom when Bobby has an epiphany.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast," he says, "I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'. That'll prove how grown up we are."
As Bobby and Jerry sit at the kitchen table, their mother asks them what they want for breakfast.
"Aw, hell, mom," Bobby says, "I'll have some Cheerios."
Stunned, Bobby's mother whacks him on the butt, sending him scurrying from the table, rubbing his behind.
"Now, what do you want for breakfast, Jerry?" his mother asks.
"I don't know," Jerry says. "But you can bet your sweet ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."
"pahpoh"
Tupelo, OK
A teenage punker gets on the cross-town bus. He has multicolored spiked hair and his feet are bare. His face is full of piercings and he's wearing a pair of long, blue and purple feathered earrings.
He sits down across from an old man who stares at him for the next ten miles.
"What are you looking at, old man?" the punker yells. "Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
"As a matter of fact, I did. When I was in the Navy I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot," the old man says.
"I thought you might be my son."
"munchkin44905"
Mansfield, OH
Chucky wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened.
Chucky decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president.
The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Chucky a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
When Chucky received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, those jerks will (and did) deduct 95%.
Love,
Chucky
"blueberry1"
Roseville, CA
Family Dysfunction: The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
Good: Your son spends a lot of time in his room.
Bad: You find several dirty movies hidden under his bed.
Ugly: He's in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks much better in a skirt than you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your 18 year old son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the 15 year old girl next door.
Ugly: So is your husband.
"tedst12"
Pittsburgh, PA
Leo and Hank are playing checkers at their nursing home.
Leo: "I have been so constipated — I just can't seem to go to the bathroom."
Hank (shaking his head): "Well I go every morning at 6 a.m. on the dot."
Leo: "That's great, Hank! Why are you shaking your head?"
Hank: "I don't wake up until 7."
"Char84"
Roopville, GA
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class:
"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously.
"Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
"nobunaga"
Ventura, CA
Old Man John sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He's wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard.
The bartender sets John's drink down and asks, "Going to a party, John?"
"Yeah," John answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," argues the barkeep.
"That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago!"
"EHunt15"
Boston, MA
Dan and Will are on the beach, trying to impress the ladies.
Dan: "I'm not having much luck with the women, Will."
Will: "Try putting a potato down your swim trunks. That's what I do, and the babes love it!"
Dan: (a few hours later) "I tried the potato trick and I'm getting blown off worse than before."
Will: (looking him over) "Uh ... try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."
"091462"
Joplin, Missouri
A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette, a satisfied smile on his face. The egg is frowning and looking a little ticked.
After a moment, the egg turns to the chicken and mutters, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question."
"Squirl"
Hedgesville, WV
Jane and Jeff are about to leave for a swanky Halloween party when Jane comes down with a terrible headache. Knowing how much her husband wants to go, she tells him to leave without her.
"But it won't be any fun without you," he says.
She slips his Lone Ranger mask over his face and says, "Go, Jeff. I'll be here when you get back."
With a reluctant sigh, Jeff leaves.
Two hours later, Jane feels much better and decides to surprise her husband. She gets into her costume, mask and all, and drives to the party.
She spots her husband easily among the ghosts and goblins ... and notices that he's cavorting among the masked females, copping a feel here and sneaking a kiss there!
Steamed, Jane decides to play a little trick on her wayward hubby.
She strolls over to her masked man and flashes her most seductive smile. She leads him upstairs, to a bedroom, and they make love.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slips away and drives home.
"I can't wait to bust him for this," Jane says, slipping under the covers.
A few minutes later, Jeff stumbles in, reeking of beer.
Jane smiles and says, "So, how was the party?"
"Dull," he says. "Me and the guys spent most of our time drinking and playing poker."
"Really? So nothing interesting happened? Nothing at all?"
"No, not really," he says. "But you will never believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to ..."
"beachbum22"
Pueblo, CO
Harry the Magician was performing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The pay was lousy, but the audience changed weekly, so he could do the same tricks over and over.
There was just one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand the tricks. So in the middle of the show, the parrot would shout:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
Harry was furious but couldn't do anything since it was the captain's parrot.
Two weeks later, the ship sank. Harry saved himself by clinging to a piece of wood ... with the parrot perched on the other end.
Magician and parrot stared at each other with hatred for several days, but did not utter a single word.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?"
"mellowyelloe"
Lawrence, MA
The Seven Dwarfs vacation in Europe and receive an audience with the Pope. As the oldest, Dopey serves as spokesman for his mates.
Standing before the Pope, Dopey asks, "Your excellency, are there any dwarf nuns in Vatican City?"
The Pope thinks for a moment and says, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Vatican City."
This makes the other six dwarfs snicker.
Dopey then asks, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
"No," the Pope responds. "There are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
Hearing this, the other six dwarfs fall to the floor, laughing and howling. Dopey looks at the Pope and says, "Sir, are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"
"No, my son," the Pope says. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
With this, the other six dwarfs began chanting, "Dopey made love to a penguin! Dopey made love to a penguin!"
"JGlover"
York, PA
John's mother is always on his back: "Why don't you ever call me?" she complains. "Why don't you ever invite me over for dinner?"
Finally, the nagging and the guilt get to him, so he invites her over for a turkey dinner at his new apartment.
During the meal, his roommate comes home earlier than anticipated. John's mom is amazed: She knew her son was living with someone ... but she had always assumed "Pat" was a man, not a gorgeous redhead.
John sees the look on his mother's face. So after dinner, he pulls her aside and says: "I know what you're thinking, Ma. And no, we're not dating. Pat and I are just roommates."
John's mom accepts this, helps wash the dishes, then leaves.
About a week later, Pat complains to John that she can't find their gravy ladle. "You don't suppose your mother took it, do you?" she asks.
"No," John says. "But she might have misplaced it when she was putting the dishes away."
He calls home. On the third ring, his mother answers.
"Hi, Ma," he says. "Do you know where my gravy ladle is?"
"Why?" she asks. "Do you think I stole it?"
"No no no," he says. "I'm not saying you did take my gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take my gravy ladle. But my ladle has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
"Well, son," she says. "I'm not saying you do sleep with Pat, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Pat. But if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
"elsa11"
Cairo, MO
Three nuns were talking. The first nun says, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"
The second nun says, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"
The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"
The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
"gungy"
Carmel, IN
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack.
"Ms. Whack," he says, "I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat."
Patti furrows her brow and asks, "Well, how much do you want
to borrow?"
"$30,000," the frog says.
The teller writes this down, then asks his name.
"My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger."
"Really?" she asks, eyebrow raised.
"Yes," he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant. "And I want to use this as collateral."
"Ummm, okay," Patti says, accepting the elephant. "I'll have to ask the owner about this."
"That's fine," he says. "He'll vouch for me."
Patti walks into the bank owner's office and explains the situation. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this" — she holds up the tiny pink elephant — "as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?"
The owner says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"sky1999"
Fort Belvoir, VA
Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.
Little Jimmy stood up, alone.
Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"
"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."
"comicscene"
Haverhill, MA
One summer day, Mark and Tony decide to try bungee-jumping.
After a full day of bungee-fun, Mark says, "You know, Tony, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
"You're right," Tony says.
So Mark and Tony pool their money and buy everything they'll need — a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They drive from San Diego to Mexico and set up their equipment on the edge of a cliff. While they construct the tower, a crowd assembles at the bottom of the cliff, to watch.
Hours later, Mark and Tony finish. Mark climbs the tower, straps himself in, and jumps.
When he bounces back up, he's got a few cuts and bruises. Tony tries to catch him, but Mark spirals back down. When he bounces up the next time, he's bruised and bleeding. Again, Tony reaches for his friend, and again, he misses.
When Mark comes back up a third time, he's brutally beaten, almost unconscious. Luckily, Tony catches him and drags him onto the platform.
"What happened?" Tony says, horrified. "Was the cord too long?"
Mark says, "No, the cord was fine. But what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
"maryan"
Sunrise, FL
Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and she was very tired.
After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest.
Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes ... drifting off to sleep, precious sleep ...
When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death.
"Sorry to wake you," he huffed, jogging in place. "But can you tell me what time it is?"
Jane glanced at her watch. "8:15," she said through the glass.
The old man thanked her, then left.
"Just my luck," she muttered. "I'm parked on someone's jogging route."
With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.
Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn't been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now, they were just annoying.
"Hi," the blond jogger said.
"Do you have the time?" his brown-haired friend asked.
Jane sighed and looked at her watch. "8:19," she said.
"Thanks," they said, then jogged off.
Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled "I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME" on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to sleep.
A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.
Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, "Can't you read?"
To which he replied, "Sure I can, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know: It's 8:27."
"MsKitty134"
Naples, FL
Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, "Honey, could you fix the front steps? They're ready to collapse."
He sighs and says, "After the game, Flo."
Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. "Well, could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering for weeks."
He sighs and says, "Darn it, Flo, I'm a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it."
Flo counters: "Can you fix the fridge door, then? It won't shut."
Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, "You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?"
She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. "I need to cool down," he says. "I'm going out."
Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. After a couple beers, he starts to feel guilty about treating Flo so poorly. He returns home and notices the front steps have been repaired. He walks into the hall and sees the hall light working perfectly. He opens the fridge to grab a beer. The fridge door has been fixed, too.
He finds his wife and says, "Honey, how'd you fix all this stuff?"
She smiles and says, "After you left, I sat outside and cried. This nice young man was passing by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything for me. All I had to do in return was make love to him or bake him a cake.
Jerry nodded, appreciatively. "What kind of cake did you bake?"
Flo's smile widened. "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
"Stacey_18"
Fowlerville, MI
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place.
When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.
Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.
After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
"ImUglyTo"
Penetang, Ontario
The following was actually taken from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls.
How to be a good wife:
Have dinner ready. Most men are hungry when they come home; the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. His boring day may need a lift.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces, and comb their hair. They are treasures. He would like to see them as such.
Never complain. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Prepare a drink for him. Arrange his pillow. Offer to remove his shoes.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
The Goal. Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
"puss_in_boots"
New York, NY
Julie asked her boyfriend Todd to have dinner with her family — a special event, since this would be the first time she'd ever brought a boyfriend home to break bread with her parents.
Virtuous Julie tells Todd that after dinner she'd like to do something else for the first time, too.
Ecstatic Todd rushes to the pharmacy to buy condoms. A virgin himself, Todd is confused by the different brands and choices. But believing in safe sex, and proud of his good fortune, he asks the pharmacist for help.
The pharmacist tells Todd everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, he asks Todd how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack.
Todd insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy.
That night, Todd shows up at Julie's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. She takes Todd to the dinner table, where her parents are already seated.
Todd sits quickly and, with head bowed, offers to say grace. A minute passes and Todd is still deep in prayer, head down. Five minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, Julie leans over and whispers, "I had no idea you were this religious."
Todd whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
"mem16"
Macomb, MI
Q:: What did the fish say when it swam into the cement wall?
A:: DAM!
"mzdonna1"
Farmington, IL
The face of a married woman was burned terribly in an accident. Unfortunately, doctors could not graft skin from her body because she was too thin. So her husband volunteered to donate skin for the operation.
Upon examining the husband, the doctors concluded the only skin suitable for the procedure needed to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed to tell no one where the skin came from, and requested the doctors honor their secret. The doctors agreed.
After the surgery, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
One day, the wife was overcome with emotion at her husband's sacrifice. "Dear, I just want to thank you again," she said, "for everything. I just wish there was a way I could repay you."
"Please don't worry about it, dear," he said. "I get all the thanks I need whenever I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
"asifmr"
Lewisville, TX
Q:: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A:: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
"andiedunn"
St. Paul, MN
A mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell French toast!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Oh! I smell pancakes!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez. All I can smell is molasses."
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An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.
"That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms."
--------------------------
A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. He notes the abandoned piano in the corner and remarks on it. The bartender serves the drink, then explains how his pianist had just quit. The man says, "I can fix that." He opens his jacket and out jumps a twelve inch pianist.
"Where the hell did you find him?" the bartender asks.
"There's a gypsy in the alley that will grant you one wish ..." the man replies.
"I'll be right back," the bartender says.
He returns a few minutes later, followed by many, many ducks.
"Did you get your wish?" the man asks.
"No," the bartender grumbles. "That gypsy must be hard of hearing. I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No kidding," the man said. "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
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