Grandma and sex education
Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what did you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and said, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn. It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma felt bad about hitting Antonio, so she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating. Without a blink, she said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."
YOU KNOW IT'S A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...
* They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
* All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
* Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
* If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
* You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
* Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
* No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
* You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
The Account Executive
The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and well spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.
So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."
"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me."
And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, Magnums, every variety imaginable.
"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute.
"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company represented by some wild womanizer."
"No fear. I'm a happily married man."
"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"
"It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking like crazy, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he invoked, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'SRIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" shrugged the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
A jealous husband
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written
report, he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor café. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen."
The husband replied, "I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun."
Profession of dates
Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except
And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."
After many nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, if you want to have sex with me when the lights are out, just reach over and squeeze my left breast once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my right breast once."
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Okay, and if you want to have sex with me, just reach over and pull on my penis once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times."
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street wearing their mothers' clothing; large hats, high heels, and long dresses. They passed a bar and one of the girls said, "let's go in for a drink. "
They went in and crawled up onto the bar stools. The bartender laughed and thought he would have some fun. He went to the first little girl and said, "What will you have young lady?"
The girl replied, "I'll Have a Martini."
The bartender could not give them any liquor so he filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an olive in it and put it in front of her.
He said to the second girl, "What will you have today?"
She replied, "A Manhattan."
The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with Ginger-Ale, put in a cherry in it, and set it in front of her.
Next he asked the third little girl, "What will you have today?"
After a long pause she replied, "I'll have a douche. Mother says they're so refreshing."
Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys."
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice thengiggled."
An American and a Russian are talking about their governments.
"Ours is a free country," says the American. "Once, I was in Langley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I urinated near the CIA headquarters."
"Ours is a free country too," says the Russian. "Once, I was on Lubyanka square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I took a shit near the KGB headquarters."
"And you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.
"Of Course! Nobody saw it...I didn't even take my pants off."
A young woman teacher one afternoon explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What
would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottsman?
The Rolling Stones say "Hey you, get off of my cloud." A Scottsman say's "Hey Macloud! Get off of my ewe!!"
If people from Poland are called poles, why aren't people from Holland called holes?
How can you tell if you're in a redneck-Amish neighborhood? - By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard...
What the difference between Mufasa (the lion in the Disney movie "The Lion King") and O.J. Simpson?
One's an African lion and the other's a lyin' African.
Q. What's the difference between a Jewish woman and Jello? A. Jello wiggles when you eat it!
What has 122,000 legs and an I.Q. of 30? - The entire New York St. Patrick's Day parade!
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a rolling bed by the nurse and brought to the corridor.
Before they enter the room, the nurse leaves her behind the surgery room door and goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man, wearing a white coat, approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and performs the same examination.
When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
This one cracks me up:
A man and his wife are in bed asleep. Around 3am they are woken by the sound of someone knocking on their front door downstairs.
The guy gets up, goes to the window and opens it, only to look out to pitch blackness. "Who's out there," he yells.
A voice from below calls out, "I need a push".
Afraid, the guy says, "Get lost before I call the cops! It's 3 o'clock in the morning!" and slams the window.
His wife rolls over and says, "Listen, remember when our kids got stuck in their car late one night, and that couple helped them to get it started again? Wouldn't you want to do the same for someone else, regardless of the time?" The guy thinks about this for a while and heads downstairs to lend the man a hand. He opens the front door, again to pitch blackness, and yells out, "Hey! Do you still need a push? Where are you?"
"Yes, I do," says the voice from the darkness. "I'm over here on the swing."
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Q: Why do we have orgasms? A: How else would we know when to stop?
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" - Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT
IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Oy, it's a bitch getting old. My uncle, Mr. Goldstein, will tell you...
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "I thought you told me your penis had died?"
"It did," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
Little Arty went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name.
When she got to Arty he said, "My name is Arty, but they call me 'Farty' and that pisses me off."
Sensing some anger she said to Arty, "This is kindergarten Arty, we don't talk like that."
Then she went around and asked everyone their address.
When she got to Arty he said, "I live on Third Street but they call it 'Terd Street' and that really pisses me off."
She said, "Arty I want you to meet me after class at my desk."
"Yes ma'am," Arty said. So he meets her at the desk.
His teacher says, "You seem like a smart little boy, can you tell me what this means?" and she pulls up her dress.
He says, "Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I'm too little and that really pisses me off.
One of those things that supposedly actually happened...
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short- tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?"
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?!" she snapped.
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
------------------- Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure.
Two Polacks were driving east across the country. When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD," so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms!
As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make any progress because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way.
When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign that read "WANTED!!! Two Mexican males for rape!"
The two Polacks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"
An old lady in a nursing home was really hot to trot one day. She slipped into her nicest dress (with nothing on underneath) and proceeded down the hall to find her a stud. She came to the first door to see a bunch of men watching the big screen.
She walked in, put her leg up on the lazy-boy and said, "SUPPER PUSSY!"
The men just turned, looked her up and down and shook there heads. Still feeling frisky she walked down the hall to the
next room where she saw another bunch of men. One was playing the piano, so she threw her leg up on the stool and yelled,
Again the men just shook there heads and turned away. She needed a man. So she continued to walk down the hall to the cafeteria.
There she finds some men at a table. She throws her leg up on it and yells. "SUPPER PUSSY!"
Well this old boy stops in his tracks, checks her up and down real good, and says, "I think I'll have the soup."
Age and Womanhood
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
ANIMALS HAVE THE DARNDEST THOUGHTS
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
An Aboriginal was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. He thought that he might be able to sell it and make some money so he started cleaning it up, rubbing it with his sleeve. All of a sudden a genie popped out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, but wish carefully."
So the Aboriginal says, "I would love to be white!" POOF!! He becomes white!
"For my second wish, I would love to be rich." POOF!! He becomes rich, and is dressed in designer clothes and has a nice car.
"Okay" says the genie, "what is your third wish?"
"Hmm" says the Aboriginal,"this is something I have always wanted. I never want to have to work again!"
"Okay." says the genie. POOF!! He is turned into an Aboriginal!
So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other, "Where can I get something to eat around here?"
The second bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going on down the street, about half a mile, should be plenty of flowers and pastries to eat."
The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party.
A little while later, the first bee returns, with a bloated belly and a yarmulke on his head.
He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome! So many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!"
The second bee asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did you convert?"
The first bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I was a WASP."
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Q. What's the difference between a Jewish wife and a vulture?
A. A vulture waits until you are dead to eat your heart out.
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by twelve strokes."