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Ethnic and other Jokes
Warning: If some of the jokes offend you, please, don't read it.!.
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She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Holland Tunnel.
The greatest Country-Western song titles of all time!
* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal  Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In  Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else  Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear  John Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face  From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're  Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
"37 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines"
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
"It seems female inmates in New Jersey are answering the phones and staffing the state’s tourist hotline.  They get 58 cents an hour when people call and they tell people what to visit in New Jersey.  And, for $2.99 a minute, they’ll tell you what they’re going to do to you when you get there."
    - Jay Leno
"There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp."
    - Joan Rivers
"I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying HIM?"
    - Jerry Seinfeld
1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants.
2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants.
3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants.
4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants.
5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as it's cute.
6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I say feed me ... Again.)
7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.
8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.
Excuses, the American way.

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government or not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

It is So Big.

Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.

Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.

Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."

Nina replied, "I know. I know."
The Private Dick.

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."


"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Q: How do blonde brain cells die ?     A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?     A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?     A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?     A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O
Q: A blonde is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
One Liners:
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.
In-flight safety lecture
Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings, it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA"  
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and say "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Mam," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate, and once the tire smoke has cleared, and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx
Skinhead and his girlfriend
A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Whoa, baby!" the skinhead cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!"
Elderly ladies in the museum
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said.
"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
And the first old lady blurted out, "And cold, too!"
An Irishman, a Jew and a Greek
An Irishman, a Jew and a Greek guy were walking down the street when a piano fell on them.  The next thing they new they were talking to St. Peter who explained it wasn't their time yet.  However, in order to be sent back, they all had to agree to give up what they loved most in life.  Naturally, all three men wanted to live and quickly agreed.
Suddenly they were back on the street next to a shattered piano.  Realizing there close call they decided to get a drink and walked into the closest bar.  The Irish guy took a sip of his beer and suddenly disappeared, beer and all.  
The other two looked at each other, put their drinks down and left the bar realizing they would have to be careful.  As they stepped outside, the Jewish guy saw a penny on the ground and stopped short in front of the Greek.  He bent down to pick it up and suddenly the Greek was gone!
Bowels have to move
Once there was an Indian named Bowels who lived out in a big field in a teepee.  One day a railroad company came by and decided to build a railroad right in the middle of this field.  A railroad worker told the Bowels that he was going to have to move.  He replied with arms folded and in a stern voice, "Bowels not move!"  
The railroad worker said, "Man, you had better go see a doctor!  
So the old Indian went to the doctor and said, "Bowels not move!"  The doctor said, "OK, take these pills and come back and see me in a week."
A week passed and the Indian came back and said, "Bowels still not move!"
The doctor said, "OK, take these pills and come back and see me in two weeks."  Two weeks past, and the Indian came back and said in a somewhat strained voice, "Bowels still not move!"
The doctor replied, "OK, I'm going to have to give you the strongest pills I have.  Take these and come back and see me in a month."
A month passed and the Indian came back and said, "Bowels move now -- teepee full of shit!"
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -   Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -   Anita, AGE 9
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -   Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. So that's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and kinda handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, AGE 5
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, AGE 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, AGE 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, AGE 7
She is my wife
This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself.
To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.
The man could see the naked outline of the gal's bare legs, as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word  he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantageof the situation.
She embraced him and showed her willingness.
Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy, a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What  the hell do you think you're doing, this is a public park."
The man said, "But officer this is my wife."
The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."
"Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her."
Mr Johnson eat him this morning.

Just as John and his wife started to make love, their six-year old son burst into the room. "What are you doing, Dad?" he asked.
"You know how you've always wanted a brother?" the father asked. "I'm putting a brother inside of your mom and he'll join ourfamily in about nine months." The boy thanked his parents and closed the door.
The next evening the dad found the boy in front of the house, crying. "What's the matter, son?"
"Dad, you know how you were putting a brother inside Mom for me?" the kid said. "Well, Mr. Johnson from next door ate him this morning."
Dirty Laundry
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.  We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. ow, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies,  "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered
their evidence........
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that....
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that....
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was  sure he was God
But then there were equally good arguments that....
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that....
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that....
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence.....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there  was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of  men who just didn't get it
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there  was more work to do.....
Helpful Male Trivia
I blame Hollywood for perpetuating negative images and pandering to the "Porky's" mentality, but at some point you have
to take responsibility for separating facts from fiction. This is especially true for any female soap opera devotee who secretly
believes that an ex-lifeguard turned minister will win the lottery, donate his bone marrow to a dying child, and appear in her
doorway with his glistening, well-oiled, scantily clad body to deliver the rose he grew in his award-winning garden while
proposing a lifetime of unbridled passion! How about some useful information?
1. A woman can gauge certain male features by checking the length of his index finger to the palm of his hand which
indicates the size of his erect penis.
2. The wider the moon or cuticle is on his thumbnail, the  thicker or wider his penis will be.
3. As men age, they need more stimulation and foreplay,  much like women do.
4. Men are visual creatures so ask them what they want  to see! In other words, don't insist on total darkness for sex.
5. Men prefer women who appear demure in public, but act  wild in private.
6. Men pay attention to how a woman eats or drinks to get an  idea of how she will kiss or make love.
7. Men appreciate lipstick but if you're wearing something  too garish, chances are they won't want to kiss you.
8. Most men are turned on by a tongue in the ear, most women  are not.
9. As men age, the intensity and angle of their erections change.
10. Men who ingest pineapple, melon, kiwi, or strawberries  have sweeter tasting semen.
11. When introducing a new idea in the bedroom, tell him you had a dream about it. If you told him you researched it, it
will kill the fantasy aspect of your encounter.
12. Men are more turned on by noisy partners. Silence is NOT golden in the bedroom.
A father and son went fishing one day
After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
The Old Couple and honeymoon
There's this couple. He's 87 and she's 86 years old. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel
room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in the bathroom sprucing
himself up.
She waits.. and waits.. 'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering
in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.
She giggles, "Honey, what are you doing? I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."
He looks up at her and says "I know, but honey, you know how the dampness effects my arthritis."
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won't leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks,
"Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face,
and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table,
go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you
belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

1. Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism, and prowess, e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest, e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point, e.g., Mr. So-Powerful- Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image, e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak,
   Purple Slippers, Captain Evil.
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation rather than
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer
   from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. That's justasking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g., The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an
     orange costume. You'll confuse people.
I met this guy the other day and I noticed he was wearing a huge watch.
"Wow," I said. "That's one hell of a watch."
"Thanks, it's a divers watch," he informed. "It's waterproof to 1000 meters, won't corrode, never needs batteries or winding.
it's the best diver's watch money can buy."
"Huh," I said. "You dive?"
"No," he said as a fearful look came over his face. "I hate the water.
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because
she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he
said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ---."
I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on.
She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
Then there was the couple that got married and was happy about the whole thing.
He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing.
There was a dude with long hair walking through the airportm in Salt Lake City. As he was passing a much more
conservative couple, he overheard the asshole husband say, "I can't tell if that's a girl or a boy."
So the long-haired dude went right up to him and said, "Why don't you suck my --- and find out."
Saint Peter was at the gates of Heaven interviewing this man. He said, "You haven't done anything bad, but you haven't anything good either. If you tell me just one good thing that you've done, I'll let you in."
"Well," the man replied, "I was traveling on the road when I saw a group of thugs robbing a woman. So I went up to them and shouted for them to stop. Unfortunately, things got a little out of hand and I ended up punching out their leader. Then I challenged everyone else of the group to fight me."
"Wow," Saint Peter said, "That is good. When did it happen?"
"About 2 minutes ago."
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to  deal with  his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.  
"What was your sin, my son?," asked the priest.  
"I stole some lumber Father, "replied the penitent.
"How much lumber did you steal?," asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The penitent interrupted him.  
"Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!"  
The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car
garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!"
With a look of shock, the priest then responded, Well,  that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make  a novena."
The penitent looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the  blueprints, I've got the lumber."
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was  eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this garbage!?"    
This is a collection of actual graffiti that has appeared on toilet walls throughout the world. (Bad language has been changed.)
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can pee above this line,... the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.
(Sign posted in a bathroom)
We aim to please!  You aim too! Please!
(Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words)
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like .....
(On the inside of a toilet door)
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance
(A sign I saw at a swimming pool once)
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!
(Another sign seen at a swimming pool)
Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way.
(Sign seen at a restaurant)
The hands that clean these toilets also make your  food ......... please aim properly.
(Here's one seen above a urinal)
look up ...  look up....
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're peeing on your shoes!
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the  attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said."I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore."Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won'tgive us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back. "Johnny?"
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
An explorer is searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long.
Finally he finds the tribe and is invited to sit down with the chief.
"Is it correct," he says to the chief, "that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?"
"That correct, man," says the chief.
"However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" inquires
the explorer.
"The chief looks at him as if he were an idiot and says, "They stretch, man. They stretch!"
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squadgot there it was too late, the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
Quotes of the Day
"The london press is reporting that Bill Clinton is shopping for a home after his presidency in Oxford, near where he went to school.  Two reasons for this. One, he is considering a teaching job in Oxford, and two, it's as far as he can get away from Hillary without having to learn a new language."     - Bill Maher
"All immigrants into this country have to fill out a psychological questionnaire. Question 92 actually reads, 'Are you mentally insane?' I'm looking at that thinking, 'Even if I am. How would I know?' So I wrote, 'No ... Yes he is! They don't like comedians at the immigration office."         - Scott Angrave
"If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way."        - Jack Handey
"If you ever get pulled over by a police officer and he says, 'Where's the fire?', just say, 'At my house!', then speed off. But remember to call ahead and have someone start a fire at your house, or you'll end up in mighty big trouble."       - Jason Brewer
There was an Englishman and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL!"and farts loudly.  The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the Englishman looks at the drunk and says," Excuse me, you just farted before my wife!"  The drunks replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."
A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones," said thewife to the lawyer.  "How do you mean?"  "Well, Mr. Jones, this morning I was looking at the chickenswhen he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"  "Chickens? Mrs. Smith? I didn't know you kept chickens?"  "We don't, Mr. Jones. This was in the supermarket."
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.   Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so    He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on  a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign...  and somebody was standing in front of the S!..."
Three surgeons meet at an operating room to find three patients waiting for surgery. One is a librarian, one is a mathematician and the last one is a politician.
The first says, "I prefer to operate on the librarian, as his organs should be in alphabetical order."
The second says, "I prefer to operate on the mathematician, as his organs should be all numbered."
The third says, "I prefer to operate on the politician, as he is heartless, gutless, spineless. And his brains and posterior are interchangeable."
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,  and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,  pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."  Once again, a can of  tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed  a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the  Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"
There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of there wives, so one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"
They both look at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked,
"Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
John, a Polack, goes into an outhouse and sees his buddy, Stash, with a long stick stirring the contents of one of the receptacles.
"What the hell are you doing, Stash" asks John.
"I'm trying to get my jacket out of the hole, it fell in while I was taking a crap at the other hole."
"Are you crazy?" asks John.  "It's going to be covered with shit. You won't be able to wear it".
"I know," says Stash, "I'm not that stupid.  I just wanted to get my sandwich out of my pocket so I could eat my lunch."
A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."
So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat.
The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy."                                                                                                    
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