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Ethnic and other Jokes
Warning: If some of the jokes offend you, please, don't read it.!.
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The Draftee and the nun
Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.
He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."
The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone.  She replied, "No."
After they left she told the young man to come out and that everything was going to be OK.
He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"
She replied, "If you'd have reached up a little farther you'd have found a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"
Luigini and Virginia
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
"The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car.  Must'a use'a club'a car.'
"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'
"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"
The Ambassador and the Cannibal.
A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing what the country  had received from the Russians before the new government kicked  them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and  an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian  roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."  The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.  If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have  to play. "I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those  women to give you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing what the country  had received from the Russians before the new government kicked  them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and  an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian  roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.  If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have  to play. "I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
"Nobody knows what the Department of Energy does, including its employees, who spend their days waiting for the phone to ring, which never happens, except when the Department of Commerce, which is also bored out of its mind, makes prank calls to ask if the Energy Department's refrigerator is running."
 - Dave Barry
"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!"
    - Rodney Dangerfield

"My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary."
    - Steven Wright


Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
- The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus (a virus that it can never have) that it can no longer function.
- The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
- The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
- The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
- The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
- The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in hanging out with your computer's data.
- The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
- The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions.
- The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

Pink Penis
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis."
The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A: A woman's mouth!
John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
Jethro and Euphus, two maintenance workers in Cherokee County, Georgia, were sittin' 'round talkin' at lunch one day.
Jethro calls over to Euphus, "Hey, Euphus, I dun heard that we ain't gotta work on Monday cuzzin' it's Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birfday."
"You crazy hillbilly, Jethro," Euphus replies, "where did you hear sumpin' stupid like that?"
"God's honor, Euphus," says Jethro.  "The bossman was saying that all gov'ment workers ain't gotta work cuz Mr. King was a good nigger man that did good things, and cuzzin' he was shot, we get to celebrate his birfday wiff a day offa work."
"Who shot Dr. King?" asked Euphus.
"Oh, that was James Earl Ray over in Tennessee," replied Jethro.
"That sonovabitch," cries out Euphus.  "Why didn't he shoot four more so's we could have the whole week off?"
(c) 2000 Melvin Durai -
As I look back on the year 2000, I can think of only one word that captures all that happened: weird. Who could have predicted that a 6-year-old Cuban boy would create a political tug-of-war, that Hillary Clinton would gain more attention than her husband, that the presidential election and Helen Hunt’s marriage would last until December?
Looking into my crystal ball, I foresee another round of weirdness in 2001. We may have dodged the dreaded millennium bug, but we can’t evade the onslaught of millennial wackiness. Here’s what to expect in 2001:
---The economy weakens, the stock market slides, and poor Bill Gates is ashamed to discover that his wealth has shrunk to a mere $50 billion. A group of homeless people, identifying with the Microsoft co-founder’s fate, pools their savings to buy him a sympathy card. Gates is forced to cut many of his expenses, including the limousine service and personal butler for his dog.
---Peace finally comes to the Middle East, after Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat give each other a big hug while making a historic appearance on "Oprah." Oprah Winfrey’s relationship expert Dr. Phil McGraw guides the two leaders through a reconciliation session designed for estranged couples. "OK, Yasser, I want you to look straight into Ehud’s eyes and tell him what’s troubling you. Be honest, now. This isn’t just about a piece of land, is it?" After solving the Middle East crisis, Oprah continues her peace efforts by inviting the leaders of India and Pakistan.
---During a state visit by Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo, George W. Bush tries to compliment his new friend by saying, "You’ve helped bring stability to your great nation, Oh-loose-gun." A week later, he uses the same words to welcome NRA president Charlton Heston.
---Responding to the recent election stalemate, Senator Hillary Clinton and other Democrats propose a constitutional amendment that replaces the nation’s outdated electoral college with a modern system that eliminates any possibility of electing a president who’s a Republican.
---Former Vice President Al Gore writes a book entitled "George Bush Won Florida and Other Election Myths." Only 1,231 people buy Gore's book, compared with 1.5  million who buy Michael Jackson's new book "If Men are From Mars, I'm From Pluto." Gore demands a recount.
---After successfully mapping the human genome, scientists begin another major project: examining a DNA sample from Iraqi president Saddam Hussein to determine if he's human. "He was born a human," one scientist says, "but right before our eyes, he seems to be evolving into something else. A creature with no concern for human lives. It’s a reallystrange case. Evolution usually takes place over millions of years."
---Former President Bill Clinton gives up politics and accepts an invitation from ABC to be an analyst on "Monday Night Football." But he is fired after three weeks becausehis most in-depth analysis consists mainly of repeating a single line: "The cheerleaders look great tonight."
---Encouraged by the success of ABC’s "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and Fox’s "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" NBC recruits New York radio shock jock Howard Stern to star in a new television show: "Who Wants to Slap a Millionaire?" The network is flooded with calls from aspiring contestants. Many of the calls are from Stern’s wife.
---Tiger Woods, eager to give himself a greater challenge on the professional golf tour, competes in The Masters tournament wearing a blindfold. He has a rough time, missing many putts and winning by only eight strokes.
Dominating Man / Woman
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done. The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"
Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson where in the restroom together.  Bill looks down at Jesse's dick and exclaims, "Man, Jesse,  how come that thang is so big?  "Well," Jesse says, "every  night before I go to bed I whack it three times on the head- board."
"Man, does that really work?" asks Clinton.
Jesse answers, "Yep, go home and try it!"
Well Bill just couldn't wait to get home and try it. He tip-toes into his bedroom at the White House, quietly strips down  and streaks across the bedroom, jumps on the bed, whacks his dick on the headboard, and Hillary sits up and says "Jesse,  is that you?"
Four men - an East Indian, a Japanese, a Black man, and a  white man gathered at the top of a 30-story building.
The East Indian said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.
The Japanese said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.
The Black man said, "This is for my people," and pushed the white man off.
An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong  place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"
"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed, "Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"Ninety-two," he replied.
"Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!"
"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon  could offer him a solution.  He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a god-damned thing!"
Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."
"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountanthas been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"
"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"
"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"
"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear..."
A woman with bad breath had tried everything, mouthwash, mints, brushing her teeth several times a day, but nothing helped. She could never keep a boyfriend because of it. When she found a guy she really liked, she put her hand over her mouth when she talked, and avoided kissing. What she didn't know was that he had a terrible problem with foot odor; if the relationship became intimate, and he pulled off his shoes, he knew she would be gone. The two dated, with she practically holding her breath, and he never removing his shoes. When he asked her to marry, she said yes, but still didn't tell him about her problem. On their wedding night, she got into bed and scooted close to him. "I have a confession to make," she said. He turned his head, gagging, and said, "Don't tell me. You ate my socks."
There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.
The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.
Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"
A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits her. She goes flying into the air, and lands unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.
As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.
Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the firthst ting we gotta do is get dat guy outta there!"
Indian no like slanty-eye squaw questions...
Connie Chung was interviewing an Indian tribe.  She asks  the first Indian, "Why are you wearing one feather in your  head dress?"  He answers, "cause me have one squaw."
Connie, not happy with his answer, asks a second Indian. "How come you wearing five feathers in your headdress?" The second Indian replies, "Me have five squaw."
Still not convinced, she asks the Chief.  "How come you're  wearing so many feathers in your headdress ?" The Chief says, "Me have many squaw, me screw 'em all."
Connie replies "Why, you should be hung!"
The Chief says, "Yes, hung like horse, long like snake,  strong like buffalo."  Connie replies "Oh my dear," to which the Chief says "No screw 'em deer - asshole to high, run to  fast, no screw 'em deer."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me... Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life... I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married... But not to you."
"You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time... What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you... It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... So we're having you put to sleep."
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"    ----I don't know who said it, but it sure cracked me up.
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a "Wizard under the sheets".
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is  fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs  and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."
"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces,
"My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other
hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
Granny would love this joke:
A tall, handsome Polish kid is helping a middle-aged divorcee to her car with her groceries. As they get to the parking lot, she smiles at him and says, "I've got an itchy pussy."
He replies, "Well, you better point it out, lady. All them Japanese cars look the same to me."
Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
** Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
** Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
** Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
** Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
** Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
** Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
** Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
** Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
** Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
** Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
** Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
** Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
** Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is morecommon than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
** Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.


It's a testosterone thing.  Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning.  Why do you think the average life span of a  male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)?  Hormone modifies behavior.  We're just misunderstood.
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?  Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to under- stand that men and women are different?  How are we suppos- ed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel?   Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage,  hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea  how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try  to figure out how I feel.
Please...  How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self- sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying  that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault.   It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
Ho, Ho, Ho...  Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly,it actually still works quite well.
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...  buying?
A farmer passed the state mental hospital with a wheelbarrow of fertilizer, when an inmate asked him what he was going to do with it.
"Put it on my tomatoes," said the farmer.
"And they call me nuts because I put mustard in my milk," mumbled the inmate.
"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," said one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here, lets me sleep with her."
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